I like that bitter taste bitch.

The worst prison is the one in our own heads. We are constantly skirting around it, keeping a watchful eye out. Hairs prickle with goosebumps from the chill breathing down our spine, daring us to daydream. It's where the danger lies, where our thoughts turn against us. Whispering words of "Fat" "Do it! It's not like it'll make any difference, Piggy" "You're disgusting", they bind the wrists and ankles forcing us to succumb...

Drop to my knees. Bare skin resting on the cold hard surface. It feels good. My hands are gripping the snow white edge, as I stare down into the vast pool below. Relief comes, rescues me from this monotonous hell until the bile burns. My fucking saving grace. I will do better. I will be stronger.

December...bugger off.

We've got forever slipping through our hands. Behind darkness. Trapped. Separated. Lost. Void. So much allure resides in the world, limitless amounts awaiting exposure. Something dark keeps us separated from it, blinding us from the beauty. It infects us. Rots our brains. Distorts what we see. Twists us. We turn against ourselves. We disallow happiness and content, drowning and suffocating it with corrupt words and self-harm. We must be punished for not being enough...

 

Life...is it worth all of this? 

What the fuck am I holding out for? More of this never ending bullshit?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to die. Just end it all.

I wouldn't have to fight so hard, to stop chasing the impossible. 

Just go to sleep...forever. Death would be easy. 

But as hard as shit gets, it's those moments, as seldom as they are, that make everything bearable. Like going to The Nutcracker with my mom, or decorating for Christmas with my sisters, or bullshitting with my friends. They make life okay, even for a little while. Yes, death would be easy, too easy. It's easy to forfeit the battle, but what about the war? This is the here and now, the battle that we are constantly losing, but what counts is the later. The reason I'm still here is I'm not settling for the here and now, I want what comes next because anything has to be better than this.

Two weeks to prep for snowboard season <3

Gym tomorrow after work for a minimum of 2 hours.

Staying under 300 till Saturday.

Thank you all for supporting me

& making me smile

Your heart seems so cold tonight

Wandering between two worlds. Not living, while not quite dead. A heartbeat thrums helplessly inside her chest, I think it's just beating for shits and giggles. These tears, they fall, pleading for something more, begging for significance. But she remains invisible; invisible to those she loves, invisible to those she cares for, invisible. She's standing in the middle of them. She's staring at them with glacier blue eyes, they are melting onto her cheeks, dripping off her chin, falling to the ground. They don't notice her, they don't care enough to notice her. They don't want to know her problems, she knows all theirs. They whisper in her ears, tell her what pains them, what tires their last nerve. But they don't have ears for hers. It's not like they would actually understand. They couldn't possibly.

I want someone to step into my life with enough balls to call my bluff, to tell me enough with the bullshit. Someone needs to care enough to try and stop me, someone who won't pity me. I abhor pity from others. Don't look at me with those sad little sympathetic eyes, judging me, telling me you're sorry. Sorry? What could they possibly be sorry for? I loathe apologies. So they want to apologize? Apologize for never being there for me, apologize for ignoring the signs, apologize for pushing me aside.

I can't keep waiting for someone to care. I need to care enough about myself to fix this mess that I've made. But I don't know if I can. I hate everything that I am; how does one care about someone they hate? Tomorrow is the last day of November and I am going to be happy throughout December and work my tail off and eat healthy. I haven't made shit count from the last 11 months, it's not too late to turn it around for 2011. I have to start somewhere...

I'm planning a trip in late March to get away. I'm thinking Ireland or England? I need to get out of the country and as far away as I can get from everyone I know.

Fraud

Time is constantly against us. It's something we are always chasing, fighting for more of. There's never enough of it. And yet, we waste it. We waste the living hell out of it. I'm entirely guilty of doing so. I've been looking back through the pages of my life and the one thing that is constant is my incessant desire to be thin and beautiful. And here I sit. I've been through so many ups and downs and I have nothing to show for it. Deadlines were set, goals were made, promises were written, and none of it mattered. I wasted the time that I had. Doing what? I have not the slightest fucking clue.

I can say that, "O this will be the year! I will make this time count and I will reach my goals!" But at the end of the day they are just words. It's the actions that make up the day and the choices made that count. I've made a lot of broken promises, so I'm not making anymore. I'm not setting any goals or posting any deadlines, because that obviously has not yielded any positive results in the past. I'm just going to change my life. I'm so tired of living this lie, showing everybody my brave happy face. They don't know the sickness that lurks beneath my facade. When I am thin, I will truly have something to be happy about. I won't have to hide who I am anymore. I feel like a fraud.

Dream Is Collapsing

 

Insecurities ravage us. They tear us down, demolishing all our hopes and dreams. They tell us we aren't good enough and that we never will be. They mock us while pointing out every imperfection, every flaw. They deprive us of happy endings and love. How can you love someone with all your entirety when you can't even love yourself? 

I've been insecure for as long as I can remember. I can't pinpoint when it all began, the self-loathing and hatred. Every person in the world is insecure about themselves to some generic extent, but what we feel is something entirely different. It cripples us. We aren't even a full person because we are living a half-life. I haven't been alive for quite some time. It's almost like being frozen in place while sitting back and watching everything and everyone move forward with time, while you remain stuck. I hate these insecurities.

The mirror is against me. It seems everytime I stare into it's reflection, what stares back at me keeps becoming uglier and uglier. When I touch my stomach it feels more and more morbid and disgusting. I'm falling to pieces. I think this depression is worsening. I've been able to keep it calm and hidden, deeply buried beneath my wall, but my wall has cracks. They are widening, leaking the icky black waste. My insecurities are eating away at my soul. I'm pushing my friends away and I couldn't care less. History is repeating. Something needs to change...

I'm A Stranger In This Town...

I thought that finally figuring out my future would be the solution to all my problems, but it has only been creating more. My fears of commitment are surfacing and I keep trying to turn this thing around, when deep down I know that this path that I'm about to put myself on is the right one. But I'm so scared. I've been locked away in this life of constant self-sabotage and hatred, binding myself to every disaster just to bring myself down. I'm scared to leave this life because it has been my best friend when no one else has. It knows all my secrets, all my thoughts, things that could ruin me if they were released into the open air. Ever since I decided one of the most important decisions of my life, I've been trying to pedal backwards as fast as I can.

Sometimes my life feels catatonic, nothing is happening. Stuck doesn't even begin to describe the place that I'm in. I wish that the shadows would just take me, suck me in. My dreams are always about me fighting for my life. This past night I was sitting in a park, among a sea of gold and auburn hues. I was reading a book while laying on a wool blanket. The sun was overcome with gray wisps and a soft breeze rustled the pages of my book. The world was silent.

 Footsteps crunched and tore at the leaves, creeping towards me. A shadow black as onyx cast itself across words strewn on a page. I turned my head to see a faceless man entirely concealed in black standing above me. I threw my book at him as I stumbled to my feet, heart racing. A hand reached out and grabbed my arm pulling me back. I screamed. I turned in towards him to punch him, fight him, to do anything to get away. A painful kiss licked my stomach as our bodies collided. I pulled away stunned, confused by the glint of silver streaked in crimson that lay in his gloved hand. My hand fell away from the pain, painted red. I tripped walking backwards, as the man turned and began walking away. Just before I hit the ground I woke up in my bed. Is it wrong to actually wish this dream was real. Maybe if something tragic happened, life would seem more real. 

Tomorrow is the beginning to my own personal boot camp. No more wallowing. It's time I turn this thing around.

Turning the Page...

I've really been trying to find myself and what career would be the best fit for me. In Junior High, I wanted to be a lawyer, in High School I wanted to be a surgeon, and during the beginning of my college years I wanted to be a writer. But I'm in a different place in my life and I can't say that being a surgeon or lawyer would be my dream position in life. I still want to be a writer, but like my grandma says, "You need a job to support your hobby." True story. So I really just kind of gave myself a deadline of June to get my shit together and it clicked! I want to study criminal justice and become a homicide detective. It fits everything about me and I just can't shake the excitement I have when thinking about my future with law enforcement!! This career is also going to help steer me away from my eating issues...hopefully. I no longer want to be just skin and bones, I want to be a strong, lean, ass kicking machine :) So this blog is kind of getting a make-over. I'm taking the reins and steering it in a different direction and I honestly couldn't be happier.

Side note: My friends and I went to a Halloween bash last night and I was dressed as the "Um" version of Alice from Tim Burton's version of Alice In Wonderland. I made my costume by hand and without a pattern!! It looked pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. However, the dress showed off one of my least favorite parts of my body: my arms. I have really muscular arms so they stand out and I'm very self-conscious about them. While my friends and I were getting ready, my friend Sarah decides to drop on me that she has invited this Ryan boy to come meet me at the party. I went into full-blown panic mode! I just wanted to throw a brown paper bag over my head and hide in a closet lol. And of course when we get to the party everybody and their mother knows about this blind date. Ryan ended up not showing, which was totally embarrassing and slightly a relief. And everybody was talking about it...arghh! So this girl Amber came up to me in front of everyone and was like, "I can't believe he stood you up, you're so beautiful." And if there is one thing I hate, it's being called beautiful, pretty, hot, etc. She just kept saying it and wouldn't shut up about it and this guy Matt started in with it too and I bolted behind my friend James, using him as my human shield. I was even more embarrassed after the fact, because of how dumb I acted. If I would have just said thank you to Amber, it would not have been made into such a big deal, but the alcohol makes me DUMB! I hate acting like a total moron!

After all this, I am making it my new goal to start fixing myself and to learn to love myself. Maybe people really do see someone beautiful, I only wish that I could believe them. It's a long road to recovery, but I am determined to get off this road and pave my own :)

Today has progressively turned to shit. In my city we have a community magazine called The Inlander and in the back of it people can post "I Saw You's", "Cheers", and "Jeers". Well I went to Scarywood (a haunted and very scary theme park) this past weekend and thought this guy "Rambo" was really cute. So I put an "I Saw You" in the Inlander...his girlfriend just responded!! UGH! Granted she was really really sweet and nice, but come on!! Can the universe throw me a fricken bone here?! So that just became the topper to my cake for the day. I just wish my heart didn't get so invested. It's so dumb. I don't even know this guy, but it felt like he had my heart. I don't know why I let this happen...ARGH! It's just so frustrating!

I really ate well today aside from my multi-grain bagel with cream cheese this morning (300 calories). But I'm sure I've burned it off. After everything that happened today, I decided to go for a walk late this evening. The autumn air felt crisp on my skin and kept me awake. I live in a really old and historic part of my city in a renovated loft, and I'm kitty-corner to the park and the leaves were beautiful! All the colors and the sound of them rustling as the wind passed through them. It kind of brought me back, and made me let go of today. Every morning is a fresh start!

 Tomorrow I am hitting the gym for a swim and weights <3 Then going shooting for my 11 year old cousin's birthday. He's so cute and there will be at least 25 of us with guns haha, myself included (I've known how to shoot a gun since I was 4 years old! But I am most definitely not a redneck, I am a city girl with a large male driven family and my dad is a police officer). Speaking of, I've really been looking into becoming a police officer; personally. I think I am just bored and lost, trying to figure out what to do with my time. Welp! Headache is still kicking and this white as fuck screen is not helping. Ta-ta for now lovelies <3

I'm officially back on track! Yay!! The weight is slowly coming off and tomorrow I'm back at the gym. I'm so excited!! Thank you to all of you that posted such wonderful things on my last post, it means a great deal to me. I think that one of my biggest weaknesses is I try to crunch everything into a strict timeline and then I end up blowing it if everything doesn't go accordingly. So this time I am accepting time and patience in order to reach my goals. Life shouldn't be a whirlwind, it's okay to slow down and take our time.

Today-
      12 oz. Dbl soy latte: 150 calories
      8 baby carrots: 35 calories
      1 cup of brown rice and grilled chicken: 270 calories

 All in all, not bad.

I think that I've somehow contracted viral meningitis...booooo. I've had a raging headache for the past 2 days, as well as stiff neck, and nausea. But there is no treatment besides Tylenol and sleep. At least it keeps my appetite suppressed. That's the only part I actually enjoy about being sick. Sometimes I just wish that I would get the stomach flu so I wouldn't be tempted by any foods. But I was never blessed with stomach flus as a child, only bronchitis. Damn. Which makes working out loads of fun; lungs filled with fluid are so much fun to breathe with while trying to break a steady sweat on the elliptical. Not. Can't decide if I want to do the bike, elliptical, or swim tomorrow? Anyways I wish all you lovelies a wonderful day and weekend <3 We all deserve to have a little fun and enjoy ourselves!

Sabotage

I tried to fix myself, tape together the mass of broken fragments. Little did I know, I was using cheap scotch tape when I should have been using guerrilla tape. I basically dropped this blog and assumed that I could make myself better. I was tired of the constant counting of calories and the obsessive thoughts over my eating and exercising taking over my life. And then it all came crashing down and I didn't give a flying fuck. Honestly, I was so done with all this bullshit. But at the end of the day, I was still the same girl with the same goddamn problems and stuck in the same ole rut.

I gained weight, I won't say how much, but it's there. And while I was destroying the very foundation I worked so hard for, I learned quite a bit about myself and my "issues". But I'm BACK! And I couldn't be happier!! Well I could, but that's the whole point of coming back-to become happier :) A lot has been going on since I last posted...but one of the biggest events is dating EEKS! Ok so it hasn't happened yet and that's partially why I came shamefully crawling back, and it's also part of the reason I gained weight.

So my friends have literally trying to set me up since the beginning of time, because well, you see, I've never been on a date in my entire life. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and most definitely never had sex. Am I a hermit? No lol. Am I a lesbian? No! Do I have major boy issues as well as body issues? Most definitely. I've hated my body ever since I can remember, and it has gotten so bad that I will not talk to any boys at all!! And the thought of putting myself out there for a boy, and the possibility of being rejected because I'm not perfect, sends me reeling. I literally go into full blown panic mode. Can't breathe, I feel like crying, and I literally run away. The whole running away bit has happened twice in the past 4 months lol. I'm a DISASTER!! Arghhhh! Well anyways, there is this boy named Ryan and he saw my facebook picture thanks to my good friend (more like totally irritating friend!) Sarah. He wants to meet me! The first thing that popped into my head was which picture? because I have some really flattering pictures up that look nothing like me and if I am going to meet this guy, I don't want him to get the idea that I'm thin and beautiful. I just keep freaking out, and honestly that's all I've been able to think about.

And lately I've been sabotaging myself, eating everything I can basically to run this guy off. I mean what am I so afraid of? What if we meet and he really likes me and wants to start something? I'm just so afraid of someone getting close to me, and I give them my all, my heart, and my soul, and then they see me how I see myself and they turn on me. I don't know if I could take that kind of rejection. I've been rejected by people close to me (my dad and at one point my mom) and I'm afraid it'll send me into such a dark place that I'll never get out. But at the same time, I know that I can't keep punishing myself to keep someone away, someone that I haven't even met yet. How ridiculous am I?

My fear has held me captive for so long. My fear of rejection and imperfection has kept me from pursuing my dream of writing, from becoming thin because I'm afraid nothing will change and it'll all be for nothing, from dating, from life!! I can't keep living like this. So I am making a promise to not only myself, but to all of you, that I will meet this Ryan boy and I will banish my fear and I will become everything I've wanted so badly to become. I'm back lovelies <3

The Other Side of Glass

The guise slips from my grasp as tragically as the tears stream from my silver eyes. I reach for my mask, to save it from the black despair lurking beneath my silt covered feet. But it is too late. Panicking, I drop to my knees drowning the white silk that clings to my body. Throwing my hands into the dark waters, digging through the mud of reality, desperately searching for sanctity. Lost. My fingers scraping, searching, bleeding for a sign. Lost. A wordless plea is cried out into the night. But nothing becomes of it.

The steady drip of my tears slow with the ripples below. A reflection of glittering specks of white light frame the silhouette of a face once familiar. This face is unguarded and vulnerable, forlorn and heavyhearted. She is imperfect and broken. A dark strand of hair hugs her cheek diverting a tear to her lips. I draw near with trembling fingertips attempting to catch the begotten drop. I realize too late that this girl is me.

 As my fingers grace the water, a force grips and pulls me beneath the black mirror. A piercing cold enshrouds my body, cutting into my bones, rattling my nerves. I kick and scream, fighting for what doesn't belong to me anymore. Air escapes my lungs, quickly replaced by frigid water. I try to reach for those sparkling lights above me, but just before my fingers touch the night air, the surface becomes a pane of glass. Trapped, I pound against the glass hoping it will break, wishing the air on the other side could once again fill my burning lungs. My limbs start to go numb, my muscles weaken, the stars that I so desperately wanted to touch now fill my head.

That's when I see her on the other side. So beautiful and thin, like a dancer through the night. The moonlight radiates off her effervescent skin, drawing a sharp contrast to the bones that define her. She kneels above me, staring into my soul. We close our eyes; a single tear spills down her cheek as the last breath escapes my frozen lips. Darkness consumes me, until I feel the gentle kiss of the wind upon my neck. Opening my eyes I see my reflection on the other side of the glass; I see perfection. I am free.

I know this is really dark and depressing and I apologize for that, but I needed to release some pent up emotions today. As soon as I came home from work, I binged and purged BIG TIME! I felt so defeated afterwards, hell, I've felt nothing but defeat this whole week. I just wish this all would end. But it will never end, this shit doesn't just go away. I haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained either, which is actually pretty damn surprising considering the past week. Aside from the binging and purging, today's intake was pretty good. All I had was my 12 oz. triple soy pumpkin/white mocha (200 calories). Woot. Haven't been to the gym in years, FML. I suck at life. Cheers to all who read this poo. I promise to post more. xoxo