Breaking Glass

Breaking Glass


Escaping the Poison

Today I lost control. I felt it slipping through my fingers, as this sickening knot filled my stomach. Everything began to change. I stood by as a pawn, nothing more. Do this, I would; do that, I did. Nothing is the same anymore. I'm at a loss for words, scared of the future, and stuck where I stand. Everything is so messed up right now. They want me to fix this, as if putting a band-aid on the situation would make everything better. It won't. Questions are aimed my way and shot like speeding daggers towards answers I don't have. I didn't ask for this, I don't want it. I need to find the trapdoor, the way out. But it's nowhere in sight.

Today I binged. I gave in, I needed control over something in my chaotic world. So I ate and ate and ate, carefully watching the clock and then I purged. I purged like I was dying from a poison; a poison that renders me numb, infecting my soul and deteriorating my body. I purged until my face beat iron hot and salty tears slipped from my eyes. I purged until I couldn't catch my breath, I didn't want to breathe. Eventually the poison was expelled from my body. I did that. I had the power to fix this. It didn't give me that gratifying feeling I wanted, knowing that everything would be ok. But for now it gave me something else to focus on, just for 15 minutes. The great escape.


So I didn't end up losing those 6 pounds, sad days. I ended up plateauing after 5 pounds, which isn't horrible but I'm pissed that I still didn't hit my goal. I've been restricting like crazy and staying away from all things nasty and I can't get my weight to budge. I'm absolutely frustrated right now! I don't have time for this!! I got a hot body out there, somewhere, waiting for me! It is ridiculously hot here so some of it might be water weight, since I tend to get uber dehydrated in the summer. I've been drinking ridiculous amounts of water. But still, how annoying?!?!

I kept my calorie count today around 350 and did 52 minutes on the elliptical (670 calories) plus some calisthenics. And while I was at Costco a couple days ago, I bought a New Balance heart rate monitor and calorie counter so now I can track my exercises and accurately count my calories burned!! I absolutely love it! I seriously recommend everyone buying one, and it was only $40! Complete steal of a deal! If I don't lose at least a pound after today, I am going to lose my damn mind.

Most of my calories came from a stupid soft taco that one of my customers brought me today. He kept telling me, "Eat it. Eat it. I want to make sure you like it." Mind you there is 316 calories in one of those things and he was tugging my chain harder than I would have liked. So, reluctantly, I ate half of it and then he left so I threw it out. I just hate being put in situations like that, where people are going to pressure me to eat someting fattening and disgusting. I hate it! O well, what's done is done. Tomorrow I'm doing more gym time after work and then getting my bike from my mom's.

Happy Summer Everyone <3...finally