Breaking Glass

Breaking Glass


The Other Side of Glass

The guise slips from my grasp as tragically as the tears stream from my silver eyes. I reach for my mask, to save it from the black despair lurking beneath my silt covered feet. But it is too late. Panicking, I drop to my knees drowning the white silk that clings to my body. Throwing my hands into the dark waters, digging through the mud of reality, desperately searching for sanctity. Lost. My fingers scraping, searching, bleeding for a sign. Lost. A wordless plea is cried out into the night. But nothing becomes of it.

The steady drip of my tears slow with the ripples below. A reflection of glittering specks of white light frame the silhouette of a face once familiar. This face is unguarded and vulnerable, forlorn and heavyhearted. She is imperfect and broken. A dark strand of hair hugs her cheek diverting a tear to her lips. I draw near with trembling fingertips attempting to catch the begotten drop. I realize too late that this girl is me.

 As my fingers grace the water, a force grips and pulls me beneath the black mirror. A piercing cold enshrouds my body, cutting into my bones, rattling my nerves. I kick and scream, fighting for what doesn't belong to me anymore. Air escapes my lungs, quickly replaced by frigid water. I try to reach for those sparkling lights above me, but just before my fingers touch the night air, the surface becomes a pane of glass. Trapped, I pound against the glass hoping it will break, wishing the air on the other side could once again fill my burning lungs. My limbs start to go numb, my muscles weaken, the stars that I so desperately wanted to touch now fill my head.

That's when I see her on the other side. So beautiful and thin, like a dancer through the night. The moonlight radiates off her effervescent skin, drawing a sharp contrast to the bones that define her. She kneels above me, staring into my soul. We close our eyes; a single tear spills down her cheek as the last breath escapes my frozen lips. Darkness consumes me, until I feel the gentle kiss of the wind upon my neck. Opening my eyes I see my reflection on the other side of the glass; I see perfection. I am free.

I know this is really dark and depressing and I apologize for that, but I needed to release some pent up emotions today. As soon as I came home from work, I binged and purged BIG TIME! I felt so defeated afterwards, hell, I've felt nothing but defeat this whole week. I just wish this all would end. But it will never end, this shit doesn't just go away. I haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained either, which is actually pretty damn surprising considering the past week. Aside from the binging and purging, today's intake was pretty good. All I had was my 12 oz. triple soy pumpkin/white mocha (200 calories). Woot. Haven't been to the gym in years, FML. I suck at life. Cheers to all who read this poo. I promise to post more. xoxo



Whoopsie Daisy! And I officially fail at consistently blogging. Sorry to abandon all you guys. This weekend was Labor Day Weekend, the governments excuse to give it's loyal residents (blah) a 3 day weekend. I went to the lake with my (step)sisters, their mom, and their friends of the family, and stayed out there for 2 days. My (step)sister is overweight so I didn't feel too self-conscious when we went out on the boat, but I was still very aware at how disgusting I looked. But I pushed it out of my head and decided to enjoy my weekend. I didn't pig out or gorge, but ate like a normal person. I felt really good this weekend :) and I missed that feeling of being out on the water. It brought back memories of when I was a kid. Every summer, my dad's side of the family would have a reunion (with over 30 of us! lol) and we would rent this huge house boat and my dad and uncle would bring their boats; we would innertube, wakeboard, and ski the entire week. Out of all my childhood, those summers were always the best. I miss those days.

Growing up I was 1 of 2 girls on my dad's side- I was the first girl born in over 60 years! My dad and his 3 brothers were my everything. I wanted to do everything they did, be as strong and adventurous as them. That's why I took pride in my strength and character. My uncles treated me like a princess. My aunt even told me once when I was 13 that I was the center of this family. But then my uncles started having families of their own and it was like I was just pushed aside. I understand that I wasn't being cast aside as some leper, now, but at the time, my mom was divorcing husband number 2 so I was losing him and his family and, to top it off, my uncles were moving on with their lives.

Insecurity+being perturbed+mental anguish+loss of control=bulimia+worthlessness. Fabulous.

Today I ate Chicken Potstickers because I stepped on the scale and was disappointed. But don't worry, I purged those up about 5 minutes afterwards. I feel as though I'm not done purging today. We'll see. This day seems rather blah...

The contents of this post seem very random and pointless. Don't quite know where I was going with these arbitrary thoughts. I'll quit blathering.

A much more focused and attention worthy post is due tomorrow. Again, sorry.