Reality Doesn't Exist In Fairytales & Fairytales Don't Exist In Reality...

I read a lot. I'm not a book nerd or any of that, I just read to getaway from it all.

I project myself into someone else through books; I don't have to live this monotonous life unhappily. For a few hours every day I can be a girl that faces dilemmas besides the mirror, a girl who doesn't count calories obsessively, a girl who doesn't feel guilt and a strong desire to purge after everything she eats.

I get to experience love, great friendships, pain, sorrow, loss, adventure and so much more within those beautiful pages. I don't have to feel numb anymore.

But books aren't reality...

those characters aren't real...

I am. The fat on my body is too. The hunger pains that ravage my stomach and fill my head with stars are real. Those ugly numbers on the scale, the size of my clothes, the jiggle of my thighs, the mathematical system in my food journal, the putrid smell of vomit on my hand after a purge, even the swollen glands in my neck, these are my reality.

Can anyone blame me for wanting something better? Something more than this, this so called life?

I wish that I could trade my life for one in a book. I would have the chance to do extraordinary things, to be someone that actually matters. And as much as I hate to admit it, I would give anything to find love and have someone look at me and love me just the way I am, no matter how much I hate my body (myself). My saying is, "I truly believe everyone is guaranteed a soul mate in life, I just think mine unexpectedly died." I always laugh when I say it, but deep down it sucks.

I don't want to be somebody's everything until I am my everything. And that won't be happening until I am perfectly thin and beautiful; the ugly duckling must transform into a beautiful swan before she can be loved. The saying goes, "You have to love yourself before someone else can love you." But does anyone truly love themselves? I think that's one of the hardest predicaments this life has to offer, is to be happy with who you are. Because at the end of the day, you are stuck with you.

I did 2 hours on the elliptical today and completely fucked over my diet. I met up with my friend and she suggested the wretched Olive Garden. So I promised myself I would only have soup and salad...those fucking breadsticks. I wish I could learn some damn self control! Why do I do this to myself?? Why can't I just say NO?! It's so hard for me, especially since I used to be bulimic. That's all I would do was binge and purge, binge and purge, binge and purge all the damn time. I have to train myself that I can't binge because there won't be a purge afterwards. UGH! Hopefully the 2 hours at the gym are enough to keep me from gaining. We shall see.

On a happier note :) My bestie and I went shopping at Nordstroms and got cute spring/summer clothes and I preemptively bought smaller clothes!! Yay. I can't wait to hit my goal by June. Campaign: Skinny 4 Summer!!