Outside In or Inside Out?

I completely blew it this weekend. No, this is not going to be some sappy self pitying post. At this point, as I'm looking back on the past two days, I think it's utterly comical.

Saturday started out amazingly well, I worked my shift at the coffee shop and kept my calories under 200...until I got home and was blasted with triggers. I was so hungry when i got home I pulled up the thinspo on my computer and started flipping through it, concentrating on all the aspects I wish I could claim for myself. Well what a mistake that was. I came across some of my old thinspo from my days as a Mia and that pretty much did me in.

My heart started pounding, having a freaking conniption fit within the walls of my chest. My breathing grew quicker and quicker. I glanced at the clock repeatedly out of the corner of my eye, trying to track the countdown of minutes I had left to do the now inevitable. I had to act quickly, not knowing when my sister would get home. The car door shut and the key was in the ignition before I knew what was happening. Was I really doing this? Again? Even after I promised myself I wouldn't?

Yes.

Wouldn't it just be easier to learn some damn will power?

Yes, absolutely yes.

I returned home five minutes later, shaky from all the glares recieved at the grocery store. Fat girl buying donuts, jo jo's, cake, a liter of Diet Dr. Pepper, and chinese noodles. That is what they saw, who am I to correct them when I myself can't? Guilt floods through me as I painstakingly stuff every bit of the disgusting filth into my mouth, forcing it down. I check the clock, fifteen minutes is my limit or else it's too late.

I rush into the bathroom, emptying the food, the cravings, the guilt, the hate, down that porcelain bowl. I feel empty afterwards, lightheaded and cold, but empty. My lips burn and my throat feels raw, but my stomach knows peace. I am satisfied and even happy. How pathetic.

Today there was no purging, despite there being plenty of binging. I held on at work staying below my 200 with a banana and a Rockstar Recovery+Energy. I wasn't even planning on eating for the rest of the day. O how quickly do plans change...I ended up meeting up with my dad and stepmom (she's a recovered Ana and gorgeous) and we went shopping. Well next thing we knew, it was 5 PM and my dad was demanding we go to dinner...at Chili's. WHY?!!!! There's nothing healthy on that menu!! So of course I end up eating soup, which is high in sodium, and having chips & salsa. The waiter should have just brought me a vat of lard mixed with a pound of salt. Yum...more like disgusting.

Well there went my perfect day, thanks very much! I got home, downed laxatives, and jumped on here. Tomorrow I am fasting and hitting the gym for an hour before and after work. This is just ridiculous! Thanks for letting me rant lol, kind of a long one.

Here's some Thinspo, enjoy <3