My friend wants me to get a hotel room and have a spa weekend, which sounds spectacular and relaxing...Here's the but: I guarantee that I will be the one paying for this getaway, I don't want someone touching my disgusting body, and there's bound to be some kind of drama. I want to hit my goal weight so badly by my birthday, but I know it's not thin enough. It's nowhere near where I want to be.
Aren't birthdays supposed to be amazing and wonderful, and you're supposed to feel pampered and confident? The only way I would be feeling any of that is if I hit my ultimate goal weight of 110. There's no way that's even physically possible. I don't have enough time. If only I would have pulled my head out of my ass sooner and started this journey, maybe then I would have reached my goal.
Anywho, enough about that bull. I've been hitting the gym a lot lately and there's this girl I've just started to notice. She has to weigh at most 87 lbs. My friend Chey made a comment how disgusting she looked and she needs a hamburger and a dozen donuts. I laughed in agreement. But I was really looking at the girl in envy, wishing I could be as strong as she is, as thin as her. I wanted to go up to her and give her a hug and tell her she's not alone. My friend doesn't understand. OUR friends won't understand. The desire to be perfectly thin and disciplined, because all we see is fat, blubber, filth clinging to our beautiful bones. We are living in separate worlds.
Today I want to binge and purge bad. It's my day off from work and I have the apartment to myself. I've been getting slammed with triggers lately and I've reached my peak. I know that I shouldn't, but I have to.
Amen, whenever I see a stick thin girl at the gym I always envy her. I don't care what anyone says, they always envy the skinny girl.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work!
Amazing photos, I want to be like them. Birthdays are indeed supposed to be extravagant and wonderful but If you're unhappy they wont be. I also developed depression and gained weight then became bulimic but it was recently. In january. It ruins things. badly :( It ruins the things that used to matter. and nothing seems to matter anymore and I don't even care about that.
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