Breaking Glass

Breaking Glass


You are perfection

For the past three days everything has really been good, for lack of a better term. I have been to the gym everyday this week and I haven't cheated at all! YAY ME! I've been really good sticking to under 600 cals and drinking my weight in water :)
Breakfast- banana or oatmeal 110 cals
Snack- Sugar Free Red Bull yummmmm 10 cals
Lunch- Low Fat Greek Salad 150 cals
Snack- Danon Light and Fit Yogurt 80 cals
Dinner- 4 pieces of Melba Toast 60 cals
              Total: 410 cals
Some days I'll replace one of the meals with my protein powder (125 cals) or my 12 oz. triple soy latte (about 110 cals).
The hardest part for me is when I get home from work; all I want to do is veg or order pizza, especially when I'm stressed out. And this week has had no exceptions in regards to stress :( Story of my life! And on top of that I am taking my dad out to lunch tomorrow to bitch at him (sorta, he's a d-bag!), taking my grams to lunch on Saturday (sushi!! My fave!! Not entirely bad, but still!!), and it's my friend's 21st birthday this weekend so I can only imagine the liquor consumption and the amount of calories involved. Ugh!! I am keeping my promise of no cheating this week. Tomorrow shouldn't be too bad. I'm doing Zumba tomorrow morning, which burns about 800 calories in one hour, plus I'm doing my usual workout on top of that. This weekend is when I'm gonna have to be careful...I think I'll just stick with vodka sodas or mojitos. Fingers crossed (X) I don't cross the line.


Reflecting In Someone Else...

This is a fresh week and everything is looking good so far. My bestie is going to be my gym partner (I get horribly bored and distracted if I'm by myself) and I finally get 2 days off at work. I can de-stress! I also downloaded this awesome little widget that is a countdown so I can physically be reminded constantly of the days that I have left to reach my goals!! Yay! And I can personalize them which is just that much more fun :) Too bad I can't make them sparkly tho. Just kidding! Also I've been hitting the gym everyday for at least 2 hours and staying under 600 cals. It's super hard when I've had a constant headache for the past 5 weeks, and let's face it a lack of calories is not helping lol. So my birthday is coming up on May 7 and I'll be 23 (UGH!! I'm old!). Last year I didn't have fun at all and I don't want it to be a repeat. We got a hotel suite last year (I ended up paying for it) and me and a bunch of my friends went to the club and drank a lot lol, but somehow I ended up taking care of everyone else...LAME MUCH?! This year my bestie came up with a fab idea...a spa getaway! She's a total genius, I swear. So we are going to go to this amazing resort on the lake and check in, then go to dinner and clubs and get wasted, and then the next day we can nurse our hangovers at the spa! I'm loving it already. So that is my first goal deadline...40 days and counting. My second goal deadline is June 21-the first day of summer. There is no way in hell I am spending my summer fat and miserable. I am going to go to the stupid lake, wakeboard, soak up the sun, and have fun!! I sort of have a hidden agenda: there's my family reunion on the coast in July that we have every summer and I want to show up and have my body shout to them, "Here I am bitches! Look at how good I look and be jealous. You all thought I couldn't do and now look at me!!" They are the most judgemental, hypocritical bunch of ignoramies; I can't wait to show up and slap them all in the face (proverbially speaking).
My bestie and I are planning a vacay at the end of summer, around her birthday in August, and we are looking at either Cabo or Santa Barbara (she doesn't have her passport, but I do so Cabo might be a little pricier). Anyways, I just feel so happy right now, which is totally unusual for me, especially before my birthday and given the way I look...I HATE MY BODY! I said at the beginning of the year that 2011 was my year (2010 kicked me in the ass like a thousand plus times and I'm over it). I am going to make damn sure that this is the best year of my life :)


Medicating Perfection, Now That's A Mistake

    Sometimes I feel like nobody is listening; people are hearing the words escape out of my mouth, watching the movement of my lips as they form sounds, but nobody is listening to the meaning of those sounds or the struggle beneath the articulation of those words. I just want to scream at them, make them take notice before it's too late. I've been living lately very much in the past; regretting the choices that I made, the paths that I mistakenly followed, everything that has lead me to here, a place that I was never supposed to be. In high school I worked my ass off, I was going to get into NYU and study theatre or medicine (medicine was my original plan). I always wanted to be a doctor, to take someone and try to fix them; I wanted to put my hands inside their body and explore. Kind of morose but it was something that I would have been great at. Then everything changed, bulimia took over and life started to slip through my fingers like sand and I couldn't stop it. I became someone else, someone no longer interested in my old aspirations and I turned to acting. I just wanted to be someone else, to forget myself just for an hour and not deal with the struggles I suffered internally. But life has a funny way of throwing shit back in your face. I was supposed to move away after graduation and live an exciting life as a struggling actress and have my own adventures. Flash forward almost five years later and here I am. The only moves I've made are to different parts of the same old city, never pursuing any adventures and remaining stuck. I never made it to med school or into theatre, hell I never even made an effort to apply just to see if I'd get accepted. I think that deep down I know that I would be accepted and a new chapter of my life would begin. But I'm not ready for that. Lord only knows why I'm stuck inside my own demise; the world keeps spinning, constantly turning without me.      
     Something snapped inside me my senior year, I lost all my confidence (and I mean ALL of it). I gained weight and became horribly depressed. I was ready to die, I prayed to God everyday to just take me away. I think the only reason I didn't take my own life is because I was too afraid of what comes after death, that's always been my biggest fear-the great unknown. Eventually, due in large part to the urging of my family, I sought help. I climbed out of my little hole but the damage had already been done. My weight was an utter disbelief. And today it's what holds me back, from moving on with my life. It keeps me from moving to New York or Maine, keeps me from pursuing my very passionate and real dream of becoming a writer/editor, it keeps me from being my age! I'm 22 and it is a very rare occasion that I can be found at a bar or club, and it keeps me from falling in love. This summer has to be the end of everything holding me back from living my life. This summer is my new beginning and this year I am moving on with my life. I just need to pull my shit together and not fuck up (pardon my language). I'm so tired of living with regrets, I can't bear to have one more year of my life wasted because of it. This is it, it's now or never. Perfection will be mine, to the bone.



Here I Am

Work was hella long today, URGH! I work as a barista in a coffee stand and I'm on my feet all day running around like a mad woman. Today was absolutely ridiculous and I was by myself! I had good intentions to go to the gym after work and have a killer workout, but I just don't see that happening...booo :( I had a tall double soy latte for breakfast (200 calories-so bad I know!), an apple for lunch, and I wasn't hungry at all...until I got home. I was craving food sooo bad! And I made the world's most terrible decision and I opened the blasted kitchen cupboard and I grabbed the damn peanuts! ARGH! If peanuts weren't one of the most annoying things to puke up, I would. But I also promised myself that I wouldn't ever purge again. All my old (ok they aren't really old, but suppressed) urges came back. I wanted to drive my car to the nearest grocery store or fast food place and buy an assload of food and just eat it ALL! I wanted to clear out my cupboards and eat and eat and eat until the stress and the guilt went away. I just want to purge!! How disgusting and morbid is that?? It's like everything in my life right now is out of my control and I am so tired of feeling like such a fatass. Purging takes it all away, no matter my weight. I just feel so empty, that's the greatest satisfaction in the world. But I have to remain strong.


SUMMER in the 509

Ok so there are about 3 months until summer and I have been the biggest slacker EVER!! Arghhhh! No more! My weight has actually gone up since I've been so depressed (emotional eater here!) and I feel like such a failure. I am wasting my life sitting here like this, a fatass. I live 5 minutes from the gym and right across from a park and I have seldom used my friggin resources. So the snow and all the rain haven't been helping at all, I feel like a hibernating bear, but spring is on it's way and I REFUSE to spend my summer holed up in my apartment. This is 2011 and I am owning this year no matter what!! This year is my bitch. I am going to look damn good in a bikini this year and reach my goal weight. I have to stick to my 500 calorie or less diet and hit the gym at least 5 times a week for an hour. I got this! I'm so sick and tired of hating my body and feeling hopeless. For once in my life I want to look in the mirror and be happy with the girl staring back at me and know that I accomplished something amazing, for ME! Not for everybody else. I want to see my hip bones and a flat stomach; I want to hear people's whispering comments on how thin I've gotten rather than, "She needs to lose some weight." UGH! I just want to be perfect and thin and beautiful, how hard is that to ask for?! I am horribly hungry right now, so I found an ass load of thinspo and started another food journal. Just thought I'd reorganize it and make it more fun. Here's just a few for some motivation: