Here I Am

Work was hella long today, URGH! I work as a barista in a coffee stand and I'm on my feet all day running around like a mad woman. Today was absolutely ridiculous and I was by myself! I had good intentions to go to the gym after work and have a killer workout, but I just don't see that happening...booo :( I had a tall double soy latte for breakfast (200 calories-so bad I know!), an apple for lunch, and I wasn't hungry at all...until I got home. I was craving food sooo bad! And I made the world's most terrible decision and I opened the blasted kitchen cupboard and I grabbed the damn peanuts! ARGH! If peanuts weren't one of the most annoying things to puke up, I would. But I also promised myself that I wouldn't ever purge again. All my old (ok they aren't really old, but suppressed) urges came back. I wanted to drive my car to the nearest grocery store or fast food place and buy an assload of food and just eat it ALL! I wanted to clear out my cupboards and eat and eat and eat until the stress and the guilt went away. I just want to purge!! How disgusting and morbid is that?? It's like everything in my life right now is out of my control and I am so tired of feeling like such a fatass. Purging takes it all away, no matter my weight. I just feel so empty, that's the greatest satisfaction in the world. But I have to remain strong.