Shoot Me Dead

Ugh! Today could quite possibly have been the loooooooonnnggggeeeeesssstttt day ever! My allergies to nature and all it's freaking glory are making me groggy and very very very sneezy. I have had absolutely ZERO energy and no motivation. But I've been hella restricting and crunching the hell out of my stomach and so far everything is ok.

Here's what I ate:
-1/2 cup Fiber One original with 1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla Almond Milk (85 cal)
-2 egg whites (30 cal)
-6 multigrain crackers (30 cal)
-20 oz. Americano with Soy and SF White Chocolate (75 cal)
-Campbells Savory Chicken Soup (160 cal)
-Ding Dong (180 cal) HORRIBLE! I know!!
                                    Total for the day: 560 calories

Overall not too bad. It would have been loads better if I didn't eat that damn ding dong. O well, tomorrow will be a better day. I've been steadily losing which is good but I get so discouraged because others can see it but I can NEVER see it. I don't understand it. It kind of makes me wonder that maybe my body image is so damaged and distorted that I will never be able to see the progress, even when it will be a sufficient amount of difference. Will I ever be happy with the way I look, even after I've hit my goal? I think that scares me the most.

Each week I'm setting mini-goals for myself so I don't get distracted and bored; those end goals can seem so far away and I get very impatient. And when we aren't noticing it, the time flies. So I'm keeping my ADHD brain occupied until I hit my final goal. Ok so I don't really have ADHD but my friends call me a spaz since I can never focus on one thing lol. Tomorrow morning I am going to drag my sorry ass to the damn gym and burn some cals. Mini goal #1 here I come!!

Mirror On the Wall...Are You A Liar?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and see a pretty girl with big blue eyes that would swallow the universe if they could. But mostly I just see fat, a pudge here, a bulge there, fat cheeks, fat, fat, FAT!

I can't wait for the day (if there ever is a day) when I look in the mirror and, no matter how I'm feeling, I see a rail thin beautiful girl looking back at me. I want that day so freaking bad! I want to buy jeans that are a size zero and tops that hug my ribs. I want to walk down the street and have people point and stare, not because I'm fat, but because I'm beautifully thin. I want a handsome man to pick me up into his arms without breaking a sweat and without worrying that I am too heavy for him. I can't stop now.

Today is the start of a new week and by this coming Saturday I want to be down at least 6 lbs. I'm going to hit the gym everyday and stick to the plan!! Let's all have an amazing week and keeps our minds on our goalsand make this summer count <3

Comment Replies:
Kes - Thank you for the encouraging words!! I try to work out at home and go for walks. I just can't do anything strenuous since I live on the top floor of my apartment complex lol. I did do some crunches and squats :)

Rachel Tavi - I hope to look amazing in those bikinis!! Fingers crossed :) And thanks for the great confidence boost. I'm just imagining all those tragedies on the beach walking around clueless as to the fact that they should NOT be walking around on the beach in a bikini and some shouldn't even be allowed near a one piece either.

Christy - I'm going to try my hardest to meet my goals and stay strong. Thank you for keeping me in line. Stay beautiful!

It's Now or Never...

I've done really well so far today. I had some oatmeal (160) for breakfast, a chicken salad (100) for lunch, a SF Red Bull (10), and a rice cake (50) so far. 320 is pretty good considering. Now that I'm off work I just need to distract myself from munching. I should go to the gym but that would require navigating the treacherous streets of downtown which are now packed with thousands of people for Hoopfest. O joy! I was supposed to meet up with friends downtown but my phone is out of commission dammit.

So I'm stuck at home doing nothing...fabulous.

Yesterday I decided to just do it already and I bought three swimsuits (all bikini's) off Victoria's Secret online and I am determined to look amazing in them by the end of July/beginning of August. I have a vacation in July and a white water rafting trip in August...both require me to get into a bathing suit (EEKS!!). So fingers crossed that I keep up the good work! I'm just going to stay positive throughout this and keep my mind focused on what I want: to be skinny and beautiful and happy :) O and to blow away everyone that thought I couldn't do it!

"It's my life and it's now or never, cuz I ain't gonna live forever. I just wanna live while I'm alive cuz it's my life..."-Bon Jovi <3

Sleeping Beauty Is Finally Waking Up...

Saying that I haven't been on in a while would be a complete understatement. I pretty much abandoned the shit out of this blog and any desire I had to become thin and beautiful. I guess I just became so introverted, I literally shut myself off from everything and everyone in my life. I just sort of threw in the towel and said, "I can't do this, this back and forth bullshit! I have no motivation. This is IT! This will be the extent of my shitty existence!"

We have this music/art fest in my neighborhood every year called Elkfest (named after a local pub) and I was down there all 3 days having the time of my life. I didn't give a fuck about my insecurities and my horrible body image, for once! It was so enlightening and freeing just being able to put it aside and enjoy myself and my friends. But then alcohol let my lips slip a little secret that I had a crush on this guy Aaron. Next thing I knew my friends were dragging me towards him in the middle of the crowd. The music became the only thing I could hear as time slowed and my heart began to race. Panic ensued and I couldn't catch my breath as tears quickly came to the present. I took off running, I didn't know where I was going, I just knew that I couldn't face him like this, this ugly disgusting mistake of a human being.

When my friends finally found me I was humiliated and knew that something had to change. I can't settle for this. So here I am basically starting over and I'm pledging myself to this, no matter how long it takes or how depressed and unmotivated I am, I will finish this because I deserve confidence and happiness.

My goals are simple and obtainable. Usually I set some pretty unrealistic goals, giving myself hardly any time or breathing room. I have a vacation coming up around July 21. I want to lose 20 lbs by then. In September I'm going to Hawaii with my bestie and I want to lose 40 more lbs by then. And my final goal is to hit my ultimate weight by November 1. If I like my body at this weight (fingers crossed that I will) then I will go into a maintaining phase. I'm just so sick and tired of being negative all the time and being controlled by my disordered eating habits. This blog is being revamped into one of a positive mood and not a whining self depricating one.

So here's my Work Out Schedule:
     -Mondays: Elliptical 45 minutes & Strength Training 30 minutes
     -Tuesdays: Zumba 1 hour & Strength Training 30 minutes
     -Wednesdays: Elliptical 45 minutes & Strength Training 30 minutes
     -Thursdays: Zumba 1 hour & Treadmill 20 minutes
     -Fridays: Swim laps 1 hour
     -Saturdays: OFF
     -Sundays: Run (1 hour) or bike ride outside (10 miles)

     -Everyday (2X A Day): 100 crunches
                     50 Leg Lifts
                     2 minute Planks
                     25 Oblique exercises
                     50 Squats
                     50 Lunges

Eating To Become Beautiful and Happy:
      -No fast food, junk food, or sweets
      -Eat breakfast everyday no matter what!
      -No food after 6 PM
      -No Binging and Purging
      -Calorie count EVERYTHING!
      -2 servings of lean proteing everyday
      -Green Tea supplements
      -No soda (unless sparkling water that is calorie free)
      -Try to stay low carb the first month

I deserve a happy ending. We all do :)