This Burden

 

This past week I've been staring at this computer screen thinking of what to say, what to write, but I couldn't think of anything. My brain shut down, lost in the madness of this existence. I don't know what to do or where to go from here, I am comatose. I've been reflecting a great deal on my past and the choices that I have made to get to this point in my life. I look at my friends pictures on facebook and see them going out to clubs, going on vacations, celebrating life and fun, and I'm so envious of them.

I don't go out in public because I hate my body. My nights are spent alone inside my apartment rather than out on the dancefloor, I work as much as I can to avoid hanging with my friends, I push my friends away so I don't have to find excuses to not hang out with them. They don't understand what I'm feeling, the fear of other's opinions and stares. They couldn't even begin to understand.

This eating problem is getting worse and worse, I've completely lost control on my future. I want to become a writer so bad it hurts, but I don't have the confidence to begin. I don't believe in myself. Lately I've been wishing I had stuck with science and continued on to become the surgeon I was meant to be. My whole high school career was spent on academics and my goal of going to med school, but I gave it all up to pursue some dumb idea and now I can't turn back. It's too late. I know that I'm meant to do something great in this life and to BE SOMEBODY. I'm not meant for a mediocre existence. But here I am, pursuing nothing.

I've been losing weight, but it's not good enough. I think what I am most afraid of is reaching my goal weight and looking in the mirror to see the same fatso girl I've been looking at my whole life. I'm putting everything on becoming thin, and what if nothing changes, what if nothing comes from it?

At Easter dinner my uncle asked me if I had any desire to go back to school (I unofficially finished my associates degree last June, I just haven't applied for graduation yet). I have every desire in the world to finish school, I actually crave school! He asked what I'm interested in and I told him writing novels. His response was the one I hear a thousand times over: "I heard that only 1 in a thousand writers actually make a living off writing novels." I looked at him and walked away saying, "That's why I haven't quit my day job."

I'm just so tired of no one believing in me, but why should they when even I don't believe in myself? All I have right now is my ED. One step at a time I suppose.

I really have to thank americaneaglelove for what you said in my last post. I wish that we lived close by one another so I could meet you! Your posts inspire me to be better and to try harder. We are not alone in this journey and it's so comforting to know that. Sometimes it feels like you are more of a friend to me than my actual friends!! You are amazing to me and have such a beautifully unique heart :)