Your heart seems so cold tonight
Wandering between two worlds. Not living, while not quite dead. A heartbeat thrums helplessly inside her chest, I think it's just beating for shits and giggles. These tears, they fall, pleading for something more, begging for significance. But she remains invisible; invisible to those she loves, invisible to those she cares for, invisible. She's standing in the middle of them. She's staring at them with glacier blue eyes, they are melting onto her cheeks, dripping off her chin, falling to the ground. They don't notice her, they don't care enough to notice her. They don't want to know her problems, she knows all theirs. They whisper in her ears, tell her what pains them, what tires their last nerve. But they don't have ears for hers. It's not like they would actually understand. They couldn't possibly.
I want someone to step into my life with enough balls to call my bluff, to tell me enough with the bullshit. Someone needs to care enough to try and stop me, someone who won't pity me. I abhor pity from others. Don't look at me with those sad little sympathetic eyes, judging me, telling me you're sorry. Sorry? What could they possibly be sorry for? I loathe apologies. So they want to apologize? Apologize for never being there for me, apologize for ignoring the signs, apologize for pushing me aside.
I can't keep waiting for someone to care. I need to care enough about myself to fix this mess that I've made. But I don't know if I can. I hate everything that I am; how does one care about someone they hate? Tomorrow is the last day of November and I am going to be happy throughout December and work my tail off and eat healthy. I haven't made shit count from the last 11 months, it's not too late to turn it around for 2011. I have to start somewhere...
I'm planning a trip in late March to get away. I'm thinking Ireland or England? I need to get out of the country and as far away as I can get from everyone I know.