I thought that finally figuring out my future would be the solution to all my problems, but it has only been creating more. My fears of commitment are surfacing and I keep trying to turn this thing around, when deep down I know that this path that I'm about to put myself on is the right one. But I'm so scared. I've been locked away in this life of constant self-sabotage and hatred, binding myself to every disaster just to bring myself down. I'm scared to leave this life because it has been my best friend when no one else has. It knows all my secrets, all my thoughts, things that could ruin me if they were released into the open air. Ever since I decided one of the most important decisions of my life, I've been trying to pedal backwards as fast as I can.
Sometimes my life feels catatonic, nothing is happening. Stuck doesn't even begin to describe the place that I'm in. I wish that the shadows would just take me, suck me in. My dreams are always about me fighting for my life. This past night I was sitting in a park, among a sea of gold and auburn hues. I was reading a book while laying on a wool blanket. The sun was overcome with gray wisps and a soft breeze rustled the pages of my book. The world was silent.
Footsteps crunched and tore at the leaves, creeping towards me. A shadow black as onyx cast itself across words strewn on a page. I turned my head to see a faceless man entirely concealed in black standing above me. I threw my book at him as I stumbled to my feet, heart racing. A hand reached out and grabbed my arm pulling me back. I screamed. I turned in towards him to punch him, fight him, to do anything to get away. A painful kiss licked my stomach as our bodies collided. I pulled away stunned, confused by the glint of silver streaked in crimson that lay in his gloved hand. My hand fell away from the pain, painted red. I tripped walking backwards, as the man turned and began walking away. Just before I hit the ground I woke up in my bed. Is it wrong to actually wish this dream was real. Maybe if something tragic happened, life would seem more real.
Tomorrow is the beginning to my own personal boot camp. No more wallowing. It's time I turn this thing around.
I am so scared, too. I am scared for the future. MY future. I'm scared for myself and my life. That I might not make it through, that I will fail. I wish I knew what to say to make it better. I often tell myself, "Do not be afraid." It sounds so obvious, but thinking about it helps. Stop fearing the world and just live. You are strong. There is so much power inside of you. Use it. Turn this thing around. You are going to do amazing.
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