Sabotage

I tried to fix myself, tape together the mass of broken fragments. Little did I know, I was using cheap scotch tape when I should have been using guerrilla tape. I basically dropped this blog and assumed that I could make myself better. I was tired of the constant counting of calories and the obsessive thoughts over my eating and exercising taking over my life. And then it all came crashing down and I didn't give a flying fuck. Honestly, I was so done with all this bullshit. But at the end of the day, I was still the same girl with the same goddamn problems and stuck in the same ole rut.

I gained weight, I won't say how much, but it's there. And while I was destroying the very foundation I worked so hard for, I learned quite a bit about myself and my "issues". But I'm BACK! And I couldn't be happier!! Well I could, but that's the whole point of coming back-to become happier :) A lot has been going on since I last posted...but one of the biggest events is dating EEKS! Ok so it hasn't happened yet and that's partially why I came shamefully crawling back, and it's also part of the reason I gained weight.

So my friends have literally trying to set me up since the beginning of time, because well, you see, I've never been on a date in my entire life. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and most definitely never had sex. Am I a hermit? No lol. Am I a lesbian? No! Do I have major boy issues as well as body issues? Most definitely. I've hated my body ever since I can remember, and it has gotten so bad that I will not talk to any boys at all!! And the thought of putting myself out there for a boy, and the possibility of being rejected because I'm not perfect, sends me reeling. I literally go into full blown panic mode. Can't breathe, I feel like crying, and I literally run away. The whole running away bit has happened twice in the past 4 months lol. I'm a DISASTER!! Arghhhh! Well anyways, there is this boy named Ryan and he saw my facebook picture thanks to my good friend (more like totally irritating friend!) Sarah. He wants to meet me! The first thing that popped into my head was which picture? because I have some really flattering pictures up that look nothing like me and if I am going to meet this guy, I don't want him to get the idea that I'm thin and beautiful. I just keep freaking out, and honestly that's all I've been able to think about.

And lately I've been sabotaging myself, eating everything I can basically to run this guy off. I mean what am I so afraid of? What if we meet and he really likes me and wants to start something? I'm just so afraid of someone getting close to me, and I give them my all, my heart, and my soul, and then they see me how I see myself and they turn on me. I don't know if I could take that kind of rejection. I've been rejected by people close to me (my dad and at one point my mom) and I'm afraid it'll send me into such a dark place that I'll never get out. But at the same time, I know that I can't keep punishing myself to keep someone away, someone that I haven't even met yet. How ridiculous am I?

My fear has held me captive for so long. My fear of rejection and imperfection has kept me from pursuing my dream of writing, from becoming thin because I'm afraid nothing will change and it'll all be for nothing, from dating, from life!! I can't keep living like this. So I am making a promise to not only myself, but to all of you, that I will meet this Ryan boy and I will banish my fear and I will become everything I've wanted so badly to become. I'm back lovelies <3