This Burden

 

This past week I've been staring at this computer screen thinking of what to say, what to write, but I couldn't think of anything. My brain shut down, lost in the madness of this existence. I don't know what to do or where to go from here, I am comatose. I've been reflecting a great deal on my past and the choices that I have made to get to this point in my life. I look at my friends pictures on facebook and see them going out to clubs, going on vacations, celebrating life and fun, and I'm so envious of them.

I don't go out in public because I hate my body. My nights are spent alone inside my apartment rather than out on the dancefloor, I work as much as I can to avoid hanging with my friends, I push my friends away so I don't have to find excuses to not hang out with them. They don't understand what I'm feeling, the fear of other's opinions and stares. They couldn't even begin to understand.

This eating problem is getting worse and worse, I've completely lost control on my future. I want to become a writer so bad it hurts, but I don't have the confidence to begin. I don't believe in myself. Lately I've been wishing I had stuck with science and continued on to become the surgeon I was meant to be. My whole high school career was spent on academics and my goal of going to med school, but I gave it all up to pursue some dumb idea and now I can't turn back. It's too late. I know that I'm meant to do something great in this life and to BE SOMEBODY. I'm not meant for a mediocre existence. But here I am, pursuing nothing.

I've been losing weight, but it's not good enough. I think what I am most afraid of is reaching my goal weight and looking in the mirror to see the same fatso girl I've been looking at my whole life. I'm putting everything on becoming thin, and what if nothing changes, what if nothing comes from it?

At Easter dinner my uncle asked me if I had any desire to go back to school (I unofficially finished my associates degree last June, I just haven't applied for graduation yet). I have every desire in the world to finish school, I actually crave school! He asked what I'm interested in and I told him writing novels. His response was the one I hear a thousand times over: "I heard that only 1 in a thousand writers actually make a living off writing novels." I looked at him and walked away saying, "That's why I haven't quit my day job."

I'm just so tired of no one believing in me, but why should they when even I don't believe in myself? All I have right now is my ED. One step at a time I suppose.

I really have to thank americaneaglelove for what you said in my last post. I wish that we lived close by one another so I could meet you! Your posts inspire me to be better and to try harder. We are not alone in this journey and it's so comforting to know that. Sometimes it feels like you are more of a friend to me than my actual friends!! You are amazing to me and have such a beautifully unique heart :)

Sailor Eyes

One of my fave bloggers shared a really personal and terrible thing that happened to her and I can't help but look back at my life and notice that nothing bad ever happened to me. So why am I so unhappy, why do I have an eating disorder? This isn't the first trip I've taken down memory lane trying to find the snag that ruptured my life. It just makes everything seem so...unjustified. Up until just recently I always thought that I was confident in my appearance as a kid. But now that I look back, I noticed that I have never liked my body. And I have no idea where it all began...

Sometimes I actually wish that something bad would happen to me so that I could actually be justifiably unhappy. Talk about morbid.

My existence is just so frustratingly normal! I just want to scream!! Everyone tells me how good I have it and how blessed I am. If only they knew about the demons that haunt me. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't belong here. I had everything, EVERYTHING, planned for me in high school and, now? nothing.

The only thing I have control over in my life right now is my eating, and I'm doing a pretty bang up job of that. I was hitting the gym 5 days of the week for a minimum of and hour and a half. It has now been almost a week since I've last been to the gym. Congratu-fucking-lations. I just want summer to come and go already. I don't have to prove myself to anyone, I'll just remain fat and slobbish forever. Let's face it, that's the most I have going for me at the moment. Sadly.

This week just absolutely blows...

I did, however, find a song that really hit me hard I want to

share it for all my readers.

Beautiful Girl-William Fitzsimmons

Unfurl Your Gown

A Distant Fuller Skin

I Knew You Once

My God the Sun

The Windows Bear Your Bones

Reveal Your Crime

Beautiful Girl

Let the Sunrise Come Again

Beautiful Girl

Your Sailor Eyes

The Water In the Well

A Thirst to fill

Let Down Your Arms

The Purging of this Dark

The Fall to Free

Beautiful Girl

Let the Sunrise Come Again

Beautiful Girl

May the Weight of the World Resign

You Will Get Better

Taking Back Control!

I'm so ashamed in regards to the past few days. I've been on hiatus and I completely slipped up. On Sunday, I did the Race for the Cure, which is a 5K, and after that I completely lost my damn mind.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me?! Maybe it was the fact that I wanted a break? Or maybe I just got tired of caring? Or maybe for one grotesque moment I thought I was one of those skinny girls with the metabolism of God and I could eat whatever the hell I wanted to?

What the hell was I thinking?

Ever since then, I've been so depressed and I feel hopeless. I can't do this. I look at the word can't and just feel defeated. My mind is screaming at me, taunting me, telling me to quit. I'll be fat forever. JUST ACCEPT IT! And I want to believe that voice so bad, to just give in. But then there is another voice saying, "Hey fatass! Are you going to sit there and sulk in your own pity just because you slipped up? GET OVER YOURSELF LOSER! If you want to remain a tub of lard go ahead and quit, QUITTER! Eat those cupcakes, stuff your face with greasy fries, chug those shakes straight to your fat stomach. Or you can quit being a little bitch and work harder. You can restrict more, sweat more, and stop feeling sorry for yourself." I choose to listen to this voice. Tomorrow is another day, a better day.

No more slip ups. I will have a stomach like this.

To Give a Damn or To Not Give a Damn...?

I busted my ass off at work today since I skipped out on the gym this morning, which btw I am never doing again. I thought to myself this morning, "Hey, I think I could really use the day off from working out. I'll just relax around the house until I have to leave for work." What a snore bore that was!! I kept glancing at the clock thinking hours had passed when it had only been minutes. I was soooooo BORED!

I've learned my lesson, I'm going to the gym every weekday morning whether I think I need or don't need the morning off. I'm saving my sanity.

Tomorrow after work I think I'll do a 15 mile bike ride on the Centennial Trail to work off the pasta I just ate...whoops. I would purge it up, but yesterday I did more than my fair share and my stomach was none too happy today.

Oddly enough I don't really care that I ate the pasta. I mean I feel plenty guilty about it, but it wasn't accompanied by a strong desire to purge. I felt rather indifferent to the whole situation. Tomorrow when I look at the scale it will probably produce a far more different reaction. A reaction filled with panic, depression, horrid guilt, and anger. But this is now and right now I don't give a damn.

Ok I do sorta give a damn...fast tomorrow. Blargh! Damn you Ed!

Simply Understanding the Misunderstood

My birthday is coming up on the 7th of May and I am dreading it. I hate my birthday. When I was a kid my mom always threw me huge parties and it was always a blast. Everything switched and I started hating them around the time I turned 14. Which ironically is also the time I gained an ass load of weight from depression and then developed bulimia.

My friend wants me to get a hotel room and have a spa weekend, which sounds spectacular and relaxing...Here's the but: I guarantee that I will be the one paying for this getaway, I don't want someone touching my disgusting body, and there's bound to be some kind of drama. I want to hit my goal weight so badly by my birthday, but I know it's not thin enough. It's nowhere near where I want to be.

Aren't birthdays supposed to be amazing and wonderful, and you're supposed to feel pampered and confident? The only way I would be feeling any of that is if I hit my ultimate goal weight of 110. There's no way that's even physically possible. I don't have enough time. If only I would have pulled my head out of my ass sooner and started this journey, maybe then I would have reached my goal.

Anywho, enough about that bull. I've been hitting the gym a lot lately and there's this girl I've just started to notice. She has to weigh at most 87 lbs. My friend Chey made a comment how disgusting she looked and she needs a hamburger and a dozen donuts. I laughed in agreement. But I was really looking at the girl in envy, wishing I could be as strong as she is, as thin as her. I wanted to go up to her and give her a hug and tell her she's not alone. My friend doesn't understand. OUR friends won't understand. The desire to be perfectly thin and disciplined, because all we see is fat, blubber, filth clinging to our beautiful bones. We are living in separate worlds.

Today I want to binge and purge bad. It's my day off from work and I have the apartment to myself. I've been getting slammed with triggers lately and I've reached my peak. I know that I shouldn't, but I have to.