Longboard Nazionale

I'm buying a longboard...and I'm scared. It's time to tell my nerves to fuck off and get on with it. Any longboarders out there??? Please drop buy any hints or tips, I'm going at this solo :) Wish me luck!

My intake was awesome today:
             Sugar Free Red Bull 10 calories
             Spinach wrap with chicken and lettuce 250 calories
And I'm done for the day!! All my lovelies have a SPLENDID day, hell have an AMAZING WEEK!!! I know I will <3

Hear Me Out

This week was absolute shit and I am so glad it's over. From all the purging I did, my tongue is raw and my throat is killing me. I don't ever want to have a repeat of this week...EVER! The only good thing about this week was that I lost :) Tomorrow is the start to a new week and it is going to be amazing! I'm going to buy myself a longboard tomorrow so I will actually have something to do when I get off work during the week, rather than sitting on my bum all day. I will actually be able to enjoy the beautiful weather we've been having, and it will help my carving for when snowboard season gets in.

My intake today was somewhat ok-
     1/2 cup of Chobani Non-fat Plain Yogurt  72 calories
     Protein Shake with Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk and                      Peanut Butter 450 calories
                                                            Total Intake: 522 calories

My best friend wanted me to come kick it poolside with her today, but I told her I'm not exactly pool material. She called me retarded, which really pissed me off and I haven't talked to her all day. Maybe I'm overreacting and being a bit irrational. I don't know. But what I do know is she knows about my insecurities and past (she doesn't know about my present) problems, so why would she force it and then call me retarded? I just wanted to tell her to fuck off and go blow something. But I didn't :) I'll pat myself on the back for pure restraint. I mean how is someone who isn't even the least bit confident in their best looking jeans, supposed to feel comfortable and relaxed in a swimsuit? I am not that friend that is always down for a day spent wearing a bikini in front of the whole world. If she wants that friend, she can look elsewhere.

I just wish that I had a best friend that I could talk to about all this. Blogging and writing in my journal helps, but they are means that don't provide the support I'm looking for.


That therapist my mom keeps suggesting is just sounding better and better. All I want is someone to listen to what I'm feeling and respond. I don't want to be fixed, just heard. Is that too much to ask for?

Just For Me

I can't seem to be able to string my words together to convey the thoughts and struggles surging through my head. They remain stuck, cemented in between the what's to come, camouflaging the here and now. And while I'm here wrestling the words free, time forgets about me and leaves me behind. This body and the tiresome obsession with calories and weight is like being comatose. I'm so caught up in the numbers and the mirror that when I finally catch a breath and lift my head to the reality surrounding me, I'm unable to pick up where I left off.

It's incredible how quickly time slips through your fingers when you aren't looking.

I want to escape this city and move away to a place where nobody knows me. I want a fresh start, a do-over. But I can't do that until I reach perfection. I want to go back to college and finish my degree and finally have the balls to pursue my dream. But I won't do that until I find perfection. I want to find true love and know the feeling of a man's embrace and a passionate kiss. I want to KNOW love. But I can't until I am perfection.

Someday I will become the me I've always known I could be, and when that day comes I will be unstoppable. Until then I will remain stuck, afraid, unmoving, in this endless path towards absolute perfection in lovely hip bones, a flat empty stomach, and weightlessness.

Here In The Darkness, Sorrow Consumes

I ate. Food went into my mouth, down my throat, and into my stomach. Calories consumed. Fat gained. I hate my life. When will this end...

Cheers to the Freakin' Weekend

So everybody loves the weekends, right? Most of us have these days off and spend them hanging with our friends in the summer sun, pigging out at barbeque's, reaching our perfect summer glow at the beach, or clubbing until the wee hours of the morning, liquored up. But what if you are someone who avoids your friends to simply avoid the silent body image competition that resonates with all girls? What if you are afraid of food, and bikinis, and social settings? What then? It's 95 degrees out right now and I am sitting inside by myself utterly consumed with avoiding food and obsessing over thinspo and counting calories. My friends want me to float the river with them (swimming suit required), they wanted to go out to the bars last night (alcohol=loads of cals. and plenty of people better looking than me just waiting to set their judging eyes upon my imperfect body). I passed.

Want to know what I did for fun last night? I went to the market and then decided to go to the grocery store because I was in a foul mood and bought absolute shit food. And I came home and I binged and purged my piggy heart out. And afterwards I went on a 20 minute run. My head was pounding, I was shaky, and just wanted to bury myself 6 feet under. So I vowed to have a better day today. While I haven't gone out of the house, I have been eating healthy and low calorie and when I became really hungry this afternoon I cleaned the house for 3 hours!!! I mean I deep cleaned the hell out of it. So now I have a beautiful loft and the hunger is gone :) I am entirely avoiding the gym as of now because I don't have the back bone to face everybody. Sooooo I have set a goal weight and when I reach it, then I will march my fatass into the gym and say goodbye imperfect body, life, everything!!

Winter's Kiss

I'm honestly so ready for summer to be over and winter to begin. All I want to do is dress in cuddly over sized sweaters and boots, and I can't wait to start snowboarding again <3 I'm actually going to commit to one mountain and buy a season pass this year! Woo-hoo. Usually I jump around the dozens of mountains within a 3 hour driving radius. Snowboarding is a killer workout too, which will help me stay on the right path, and my body will be burning tons of calories trying to fight the deadly chill from the mountain. Can you see why I want winter?

Today has been great so far. For breakfast I had a handful of Fiber One Cereal (60) and a grapefruit with Splenda (70) and for lunch I had a Dreyer's Fruit Bar (30). I became really hungry earlier so I decided to paint my nails using this new polish I bought called Not Like the Movies by OPI. I love it!! Later I'm meeting my best friend and her boyfriend at the farmers market to stock up on fruits and veggies. I've really been considering going vegan lately. I used to be a vegetarian, but just fell out of funk with it. Lately, I've just been weighing it's benefits and I am leaning towards it, but I love chicken and fresh fish :( when I need protein those are usually my go-to's. So we shall see what happens. Going to go to the gym later for about an hour and a half and work on cardio and weights.

Go out and do something fun today. Do something you've always wanted to do. Or stay home and cuddle up on the couch and watch your favorite movie, paint your nails, or read a book; just whatever you choose to do, enjoy your day!

Short Cuts and False Solutions

Arghh! So I purged today. I really hated myself afterwards; my mouth felt absolutely disgusting and I just felt so defeated. My breakfast consisted of a tall triple soy white mocha (200) and that held me off until I got home from work and decided to raid the cupboards. Like an idiot I decided Ooo! pasta sounds delicious!! Flashforward to the heavy pit in my stomach and the enormous feeling of guilt, I caved. Hey, at least I chose a food that's super easy to get back up. I think the worst food to ever attempt, I say attempt because once these suckers are down the hatch they aren't resurfacing, is Sour Patch Kids. I thought I was going to die from that little experience, I was forcefully purging so hard my nose just started gushing. Never. Again.

I laid in my bed after my pasta mishap and the next thing I knew I was asleep, periodically waking to my cat Lucca Destino staring at me 2 inches from my face. I napped for 3 hours!! What the heck?! I hate naps simply for the reason that they waste the day, but I have to admit that it was much needed. And it kept me from going into another binge/purge cycle.

So I'm setting my weekly goal: -5 lbs. by 8/24. I think I can do it. I'm just going to kick it into high gear at the gym and stay the hell away from the root of all evil: food. Let's all have a fabulous week lovelies!

.Beautiful.Broken.Pretty.

Beautiful. Broken. Pretty....

Well that's quite the interesting combo. It's really quite introspective if I think about it, so I'm not going to.

I managed to keep my intake relatively low today with only a quad shot americano with fat free creamer (120) -I only drank half of it. When I plugged it into My Fitness Pal it yelled at me, telling me that I wasn't consuming an appropraite amount of calories. What does it know? It's an app. It needs to shut up and mind it's own business. Tomorrow I am dragging my ass to the gym and busting it out! I don't know why I have the mentality that 2011 is over and I can't reach my goals. I'm just so stuck in my own dumb head, that I can't see that there is plenty of time!! I can still own this year and I intend on taking it by storm :)

So lately I've really been contemplating going about reaching my goal weight the healthy route. BUT I can't get Ana and the disordered habits out of my mind, and I already have my plate more than full so we shall see what happens. I really don't want to start adding the protein shakes into my days because, despite being healthy with no sugars in them, they are packed with calories. And everytime I have one, I feel like a failure, like I just went ten steps in the opposite direction of my goals. I might just alternate days and see what happens. I don't want to shake Ana, but I don't want to shake my muscle definition either, which btw I'm overly proud of. As far as most people are concerned, though, curves and definition might as well be FAT. So I have a feeling healthy won't be lasting long.

Why Do You Spread Your Arms and Tell Me I'm Free?

Time is passing me by, as pounds of filth remain. Sometimes I wonder if my friends choose to have me around because I'm the "safe" friend. I'm the friend their boyfriends would never be attracted to or tempted to cheat with. They will never have to compete with me in the size department because they will always be thinner than me, better than me. I actually didn't think about this until after this past weekend when we all went camping for B's birthday (my best friend). Three guys and three girls and only 1 was a fatty. Guess who became the photographer? Yep, that would be me. I think I counted myself 5 times out of over 100 pictures. It's quite comical, really. There was this one guy, James, who went walking with me and somehow we got onto the subject of body image (I swear I didn't bring it up, but my bloodstream was all alcohol so what do I know). He's in the navy and I had never felt so vulnerable. He cornered me alone in the woods, in the dark, and grabbed me and kept telling me I was beautiful and that I have to love myself so that others can love me. I kept dodging out of his grasp, trying to get away; I didn't want to hear any of it, but he made me stay and listen. He didn't just scratch the surface of my wall, he took a wrecking ball and demolished my wall, leaving me open and fragile. And there was nothing I could do. I've heard this same bull from friends, but never from a man. It really hit me hard.

I stayed away from this blog so I didn't have to admit to myself that I had given up. The scale laughs at me, tells me I'm a fucking joke. The scale does not tell lies. My mother tells me I should see a therapist. Again. I know I need to, but I can handle it. And frankly, I'm not ready to be fixed just yet. Is it so horrible of me to want to be so broken beyond repair? I'm going to become so perfectly broken no one can touch me. I will be thin and beautiful and no longer "safe".