Sometimes I feel like nobody is listening; people are hearing the words escape out of my mouth, watching the movement of my lips as they form sounds, but nobody is listening to the meaning of those sounds or the struggle beneath the articulation of those words. I just want to scream at them, make them take notice before it's too late. I've been living lately very much in the past; regretting the choices that I made, the paths that I mistakenly followed, everything that has lead me to here, a place that I was never supposed to be. In high school I worked my ass off, I was going to get into NYU and study theatre or medicine (medicine was my original plan). I always wanted to be a doctor, to take someone and try to fix them; I wanted to put my hands inside their body and explore. Kind of morose but it was something that I would have been great at. Then everything changed, bulimia took over and life started to slip through my fingers like sand and I couldn't stop it. I became someone else, someone no longer interested in my old aspirations and I turned to acting. I just wanted to be someone else, to forget myself just for an hour and not deal with the struggles I suffered internally. But life has a funny way of throwing shit back in your face. I was supposed to move away after graduation and live an exciting life as a struggling actress and have my own adventures. Flash forward almost five years later and here I am. The only moves I've made are to different parts of the same old city, never pursuing any adventures and remaining stuck. I never made it to med school or into theatre, hell I never even made an effort to apply just to see if I'd get accepted. I think that deep down I know that I would be accepted and a new chapter of my life would begin. But I'm not ready for that. Lord only knows why I'm stuck inside my own demise; the world keeps spinning, constantly turning without me.
Something snapped inside me my senior year, I lost all my confidence (and I mean ALL of it). I gained weight and became horribly depressed. I was ready to die, I prayed to God everyday to just take me away. I think the only reason I didn't take my own life is because I was too afraid of what comes after death, that's always been my biggest fear-the great unknown. Eventually, due in large part to the urging of my family, I sought help. I climbed out of my little hole but the damage had already been done. My weight was an utter disbelief. And today it's what holds me back, from moving on with my life. It keeps me from moving to New York or Maine, keeps me from pursuing my very passionate and real dream of becoming a writer/editor, it keeps me from being my age! I'm 22 and it is a very rare occasion that I can be found at a bar or club, and it keeps me from falling in love. This summer has to be the end of everything holding me back from living my life. This summer is my new beginning and this year I am moving on with my life. I just need to pull my shit together and not fuck up (pardon my language). I'm so tired of living with regrets, I can't bear to have one more year of my life wasted because of it. This is it, it's now or never. Perfection will be mine, to the bone.
