Realizations

Today was actually a decent day. I was stuck at the gym for literally 3 hours sweating my ass off. I did the elliptical for an hour, followed by 45 minutes of weights, and then an hour cycling. I felt sick to my stomach when I was finished, but it was so worth it. For once in my life I'm trying to set a reasonable goal for myself, rather than taking this at a sprint and then burning out. My birthday is May 7 and I'm setting that as my goal date to have this bullshit done and over with so I can finally begin my life!

On a different note, let's discuss the bullshit of having friends. Ok so friends are supposed to be this amazing support system that you can go and talk to about anything and everything in total confidence...what a crock of bull! So all of my friends know about my past with bulimia and they know that I'm trying to get "healthy" and skinny; does that stop them from inviting me out to eat all the time? Or constantly hounding me to go out drinking? No & No. Like seriously? Get real. I'm just so frustrated with all my friendships right now, especially when I am nothing but supportive whenever they need me. Oh! And my mom is absolutely ridic (ridiculous in case you didn't know lol). She recently told me how proud she is that whenever I've dieted or whatever it was at the time, that I've always done it healthily. And she knows about my past...like does she not believe me? Ugh. I just can't win!! I just want so badly to prove everybody wrong so I can laugh in their faces and say, "Haha Assholes! Look at me now!!"

Tomorrow is a different day fighting the same battle.

What's A Girl to Do?

Yesterday was absolute shit. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever purge again and sure enough I did it twice yesterday. I felt so horrible, yet so relieved after it was done. I know how terrible it is for my body and today the glands in my throat are so swollen it's hard to swallow and my chest hurts. Blah. At the same time it felt so nice to just physically empty my stomach on my terms and feel instant gratification. This has to be the last time! I have had absolutely zero motivation to go to the gym FML. I've just been sitting in the bottom of this deep black hole and my life is in a downward spiral and I don't know when I will reach the bottom. UGH!! On a positive note I've lost 3 pounds (not that it's good enough). I need to get my life back on track; I keep asking myself, like a track on repeat, what the fuck happened that I'd end up here?! This weekend is hardcore gym time. Sweat off some fat and woes.

Humiliation...

So the first two days of the HCG diet are unfortunately gorge days...eating anything and everything you can get your fat little fingers on and stuffing them into your mouth. I hated doing it, I could feel people drilling their judging eyes into the back of my head, I could practically hear their thoughts screaming at me. It was so humiliating.
Last night was aweful.
My brother, who is 16 months younger than I am and basically God's motherfucking gift to the world, came over last night and we were watching Bridalplasty on E! and he started questioning why they were doing this and that they need to just be happy with the way they look. I mumbled under my breath, "That's easier said than done." He followed my comment with, "Or they need to just get off their asses and go run on a treadmill."
I wanted to slap the shit out of him, but how could I when I know he was completely right?
How could I argue with that? I know what I am and it just makes me want to push myself even further. I will show him; I will be the skinniest and prettiest bitch he's ever known. Fuck him and his perfect fiance. Arghhhh! Sorry, got carried away.
Anywho, I'm officially starting the diet and I'm fasting the first two days <3 style="text-align: center;">

New Year-New Beginning!

Ok so I pretty much abandoned this blog after my first two posts, basically I lost all hope and confidence in my mission to become thin and beautful. But it is officially 2011 and time to kick my fat ass into gear. I have not abandoned the ABC diet. I am, however, issuing a new spin on it. There is a diet called the HCG diet. Google it and try it!! I got the drops, not the injections (me and needles are not friends by any means whatsoever!), and the gist of the diet is you take 10 drops 3 times a day before each meal on a VERY low caloric diet. The drops reset your hypothalamus (this area in your brain that controls your metabolism) and it starts melting the fat in your body, concentrating on the midsection, and you pee out your fat! I've had a few friends try this diet and they have amazing results. And now is the perfect time to start since it will give me loads of time to attain the body I've always dreamed of before summer begins!!! YAY! So I'm going to start the diet today with the ABC diet and post updates as frequently as I can! Wish me luck! Feel free to ask any questions and I'll do my best to answer them :)

Also I'm going to lay off the purging, or at least try to. The last few times my nose started bleeding like crazy...I'm thinking that's no bueno.