Turning the Page...

I've really been trying to find myself and what career would be the best fit for me. In Junior High, I wanted to be a lawyer, in High School I wanted to be a surgeon, and during the beginning of my college years I wanted to be a writer. But I'm in a different place in my life and I can't say that being a surgeon or lawyer would be my dream position in life. I still want to be a writer, but like my grandma says, "You need a job to support your hobby." True story. So I really just kind of gave myself a deadline of June to get my shit together and it clicked! I want to study criminal justice and become a homicide detective. It fits everything about me and I just can't shake the excitement I have when thinking about my future with law enforcement!! This career is also going to help steer me away from my eating issues...hopefully. I no longer want to be just skin and bones, I want to be a strong, lean, ass kicking machine :) So this blog is kind of getting a make-over. I'm taking the reins and steering it in a different direction and I honestly couldn't be happier.

Side note: My friends and I went to a Halloween bash last night and I was dressed as the "Um" version of Alice from Tim Burton's version of Alice In Wonderland. I made my costume by hand and without a pattern!! It looked pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. However, the dress showed off one of my least favorite parts of my body: my arms. I have really muscular arms so they stand out and I'm very self-conscious about them. While my friends and I were getting ready, my friend Sarah decides to drop on me that she has invited this Ryan boy to come meet me at the party. I went into full-blown panic mode! I just wanted to throw a brown paper bag over my head and hide in a closet lol. And of course when we get to the party everybody and their mother knows about this blind date. Ryan ended up not showing, which was totally embarrassing and slightly a relief. And everybody was talking about it...arghh! So this girl Amber came up to me in front of everyone and was like, "I can't believe he stood you up, you're so beautiful." And if there is one thing I hate, it's being called beautiful, pretty, hot, etc. She just kept saying it and wouldn't shut up about it and this guy Matt started in with it too and I bolted behind my friend James, using him as my human shield. I was even more embarrassed after the fact, because of how dumb I acted. If I would have just said thank you to Amber, it would not have been made into such a big deal, but the alcohol makes me DUMB! I hate acting like a total moron!

After all this, I am making it my new goal to start fixing myself and to learn to love myself. Maybe people really do see someone beautiful, I only wish that I could believe them. It's a long road to recovery, but I am determined to get off this road and pave my own :)

Today has progressively turned to shit. In my city we have a community magazine called The Inlander and in the back of it people can post "I Saw You's", "Cheers", and "Jeers". Well I went to Scarywood (a haunted and very scary theme park) this past weekend and thought this guy "Rambo" was really cute. So I put an "I Saw You" in the Inlander...his girlfriend just responded!! UGH! Granted she was really really sweet and nice, but come on!! Can the universe throw me a fricken bone here?! So that just became the topper to my cake for the day. I just wish my heart didn't get so invested. It's so dumb. I don't even know this guy, but it felt like he had my heart. I don't know why I let this happen...ARGH! It's just so frustrating!

I really ate well today aside from my multi-grain bagel with cream cheese this morning (300 calories). But I'm sure I've burned it off. After everything that happened today, I decided to go for a walk late this evening. The autumn air felt crisp on my skin and kept me awake. I live in a really old and historic part of my city in a renovated loft, and I'm kitty-corner to the park and the leaves were beautiful! All the colors and the sound of them rustling as the wind passed through them. It kind of brought me back, and made me let go of today. Every morning is a fresh start!

 Tomorrow I am hitting the gym for a swim and weights <3 Then going shooting for my 11 year old cousin's birthday. He's so cute and there will be at least 25 of us with guns haha, myself included (I've known how to shoot a gun since I was 4 years old! But I am most definitely not a redneck, I am a city girl with a large male driven family and my dad is a police officer). Speaking of, I've really been looking into becoming a police officer; personally. I think I am just bored and lost, trying to figure out what to do with my time. Welp! Headache is still kicking and this white as fuck screen is not helping. Ta-ta for now lovelies <3

I'm officially back on track! Yay!! The weight is slowly coming off and tomorrow I'm back at the gym. I'm so excited!! Thank you to all of you that posted such wonderful things on my last post, it means a great deal to me. I think that one of my biggest weaknesses is I try to crunch everything into a strict timeline and then I end up blowing it if everything doesn't go accordingly. So this time I am accepting time and patience in order to reach my goals. Life shouldn't be a whirlwind, it's okay to slow down and take our time.

Today-
      12 oz. Dbl soy latte: 150 calories
      8 baby carrots: 35 calories
      1 cup of brown rice and grilled chicken: 270 calories

 All in all, not bad.

I think that I've somehow contracted viral meningitis...booooo. I've had a raging headache for the past 2 days, as well as stiff neck, and nausea. But there is no treatment besides Tylenol and sleep. At least it keeps my appetite suppressed. That's the only part I actually enjoy about being sick. Sometimes I just wish that I would get the stomach flu so I wouldn't be tempted by any foods. But I was never blessed with stomach flus as a child, only bronchitis. Damn. Which makes working out loads of fun; lungs filled with fluid are so much fun to breathe with while trying to break a steady sweat on the elliptical. Not. Can't decide if I want to do the bike, elliptical, or swim tomorrow? Anyways I wish all you lovelies a wonderful day and weekend <3 We all deserve to have a little fun and enjoy ourselves!

Sabotage

I tried to fix myself, tape together the mass of broken fragments. Little did I know, I was using cheap scotch tape when I should have been using guerrilla tape. I basically dropped this blog and assumed that I could make myself better. I was tired of the constant counting of calories and the obsessive thoughts over my eating and exercising taking over my life. And then it all came crashing down and I didn't give a flying fuck. Honestly, I was so done with all this bullshit. But at the end of the day, I was still the same girl with the same goddamn problems and stuck in the same ole rut.

I gained weight, I won't say how much, but it's there. And while I was destroying the very foundation I worked so hard for, I learned quite a bit about myself and my "issues". But I'm BACK! And I couldn't be happier!! Well I could, but that's the whole point of coming back-to become happier :) A lot has been going on since I last posted...but one of the biggest events is dating EEKS! Ok so it hasn't happened yet and that's partially why I came shamefully crawling back, and it's also part of the reason I gained weight.

So my friends have literally trying to set me up since the beginning of time, because well, you see, I've never been on a date in my entire life. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and most definitely never had sex. Am I a hermit? No lol. Am I a lesbian? No! Do I have major boy issues as well as body issues? Most definitely. I've hated my body ever since I can remember, and it has gotten so bad that I will not talk to any boys at all!! And the thought of putting myself out there for a boy, and the possibility of being rejected because I'm not perfect, sends me reeling. I literally go into full blown panic mode. Can't breathe, I feel like crying, and I literally run away. The whole running away bit has happened twice in the past 4 months lol. I'm a DISASTER!! Arghhhh! Well anyways, there is this boy named Ryan and he saw my facebook picture thanks to my good friend (more like totally irritating friend!) Sarah. He wants to meet me! The first thing that popped into my head was which picture? because I have some really flattering pictures up that look nothing like me and if I am going to meet this guy, I don't want him to get the idea that I'm thin and beautiful. I just keep freaking out, and honestly that's all I've been able to think about.

And lately I've been sabotaging myself, eating everything I can basically to run this guy off. I mean what am I so afraid of? What if we meet and he really likes me and wants to start something? I'm just so afraid of someone getting close to me, and I give them my all, my heart, and my soul, and then they see me how I see myself and they turn on me. I don't know if I could take that kind of rejection. I've been rejected by people close to me (my dad and at one point my mom) and I'm afraid it'll send me into such a dark place that I'll never get out. But at the same time, I know that I can't keep punishing myself to keep someone away, someone that I haven't even met yet. How ridiculous am I?

My fear has held me captive for so long. My fear of rejection and imperfection has kept me from pursuing my dream of writing, from becoming thin because I'm afraid nothing will change and it'll all be for nothing, from dating, from life!! I can't keep living like this. So I am making a promise to not only myself, but to all of you, that I will meet this Ryan boy and I will banish my fear and I will become everything I've wanted so badly to become. I'm back lovelies <3