I like that bitter taste bitch.

The worst prison is the one in our own heads. We are constantly skirting around it, keeping a watchful eye out. Hairs prickle with goosebumps from the chill breathing down our spine, daring us to daydream. It's where the danger lies, where our thoughts turn against us. Whispering words of "Fat" "Do it! It's not like it'll make any difference, Piggy" "You're disgusting", they bind the wrists and ankles forcing us to succumb...

Drop to my knees. Bare skin resting on the cold hard surface. It feels good. My hands are gripping the snow white edge, as I stare down into the vast pool below. Relief comes, rescues me from this monotonous hell until the bile burns. My fucking saving grace. I will do better. I will be stronger.

December...bugger off.

We've got forever slipping through our hands. Behind darkness. Trapped. Separated. Lost. Void. So much allure resides in the world, limitless amounts awaiting exposure. Something dark keeps us separated from it, blinding us from the beauty. It infects us. Rots our brains. Distorts what we see. Twists us. We turn against ourselves. We disallow happiness and content, drowning and suffocating it with corrupt words and self-harm. We must be punished for not being enough...

 

Life...is it worth all of this? 

What the fuck am I holding out for? More of this never ending bullshit?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to die. Just end it all.

I wouldn't have to fight so hard, to stop chasing the impossible. 

Just go to sleep...forever. Death would be easy. 

But as hard as shit gets, it's those moments, as seldom as they are, that make everything bearable. Like going to The Nutcracker with my mom, or decorating for Christmas with my sisters, or bullshitting with my friends. They make life okay, even for a little while. Yes, death would be easy, too easy. It's easy to forfeit the battle, but what about the war? This is the here and now, the battle that we are constantly losing, but what counts is the later. The reason I'm still here is I'm not settling for the here and now, I want what comes next because anything has to be better than this.

Two weeks to prep for snowboard season <3

Gym tomorrow after work for a minimum of 2 hours.

Staying under 300 till Saturday.

Thank you all for supporting me

& making me smile