Today I lost control. I felt it slipping through my fingers, as this sickening knot filled my stomach. Everything began to change. I stood by as a pawn, nothing more. Do this, I would; do that, I did. Nothing is the same anymore. I'm at a loss for words, scared of the future, and stuck where I stand. Everything is so messed up right now. They want me to fix this, as if putting a band-aid on the situation would make everything better. It won't. Questions are aimed my way and shot like speeding daggers towards answers I don't have. I didn't ask for this, I don't want it. I need to find the trapdoor, the way out. But it's nowhere in sight.
Today I binged. I gave in, I needed control over something in my chaotic world. So I ate and ate and ate, carefully watching the clock and then I purged. I purged like I was dying from a poison; a poison that renders me numb, infecting my soul and deteriorating my body. I purged until my face beat iron hot and salty tears slipped from my eyes. I purged until I couldn't catch my breath, I didn't want to breathe. Eventually the poison was expelled from my body. I did that. I had the power to fix this. It didn't give me that gratifying feeling I wanted, knowing that everything would be ok. But for now it gave me something else to focus on, just for 15 minutes. The great escape.
