I'm Pieces Left Behind...

I'm not supposed to be here, in this place. I look back on all the things that I have done, the choices and mistakes that I made to end up here and I can't help but wonder how and why everything went to shit. I'm better than this. I'm smarter than this existence. I could have been heading off to med school now, on my way to becoming a surgeon. I should be living in another place, doing something with my life and instead here I sit, completely alone and miserable. This other road was never supposed to be an option, so how did I get here? Why can't I just stick to plans? Why do I have to constantly screw up and waste my life in mediocrity? I'm 23 now, I don't have the time that I did when i was 15 and trying to decide which road to take.
Time is running out.
People can say that I'm still so young and I have my whole life ahead of me to figure it out, but it's just lies. I have only one chance to live and I wanted it to count for something and instead it's passing me by. I am nobody and I was always supposed to be somebody. Ever since I was a little girl, I was meant to be somebody spectacular, a woman that people envied and looked up to. Who the hell would envy me now? I'm just empty space trapped in the black abyss of life.

I'm ready to quit this life and move on. I'm tired of feeling empty inside all the time. I'm tired of wishing for the morning to never come. I'm tired of hoping the hole in my heart will be filled with a love that is monumentally exquisite. Food can't take the emptiness away, I know that. It doesn't stop me from trying though. God I am such a fat pig! 2011 is the end of my world. I am giving myself till the end of the year to pull myself together, hit my goal weight, and figure my shit out. And if I don't? I'm throwing in the towel and quitting.

Interestingly enough, nobody knows. Nobody cares. I mention I'm depressed, they forget about it; I mention my bulimia, they brush it aside; I tell them I'm happy, they believe me, but what they are believing is all lies. You see, Lala Land is a much nicer place to be than the vast blackness of reality. My own sister and best friend made some pretty shitty comments about how they just couldn't understand how someone could kill themselves and how selfish that would be, they should just get over it, there is so much more to life. I was apalled! These two beautiful girls who have never experienced the levels I have been to are so ignorant. Life is beautiful, yes, but sometimes it's beauty isn't enough to make the pain go away. What is selfish is to expect someone to just "get over it". I just don't want to be here anymore, around these people, in this city. I don't fit in here, I never have. I need a fresh start somewhere where nobody knows me. Ughhhhhh. Sorry for the ridiculously long rant, but I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head and away from my heart. This week will be better.

 

My Inspiration for this month! She's absolutely amazing and gorgeous!!

M.I.A. Much?

Arghh I posted a post 3 days ago and it disappeared!! Annoying much? Ok I have officially gone off the deep end. Not only have I been avoiding this blog like the plague, but I have also been ignoring the gym and my diet. In the weeks leading up to my birthday I was stuck in a downward spiral that I had no desire to get out of. But now that my birthday is past, I'm ready to get back into it. Ok, honestly, I really have no motivation and I am to the point where I'd rather just be fat forever because I'm so sick of this cycle! But, no! I'm going to force myself to do this, in the end I'll know that I'll be the happiest I've ever been in my whole entire life. This is my year to shine!

I can't go to the gym since I work all day but tomorrow I'll go and hit the elliptical for 45 minutes, lift weights for a bit and maybe swim laps. I used to be a competitive swimmer when I was younger. I just love being in the water and floating in weightlessness. But my self consciousness overrides my desire to swim. I don't want people to see my disgusting body in a swimsuit and see the giant whale that I am splashing through the water. But it's the only way that I can reach my goal. Running is just so boring and I get tired of it. I will be posting more regularly, about every other day so don't give up on me just yet!