The guise slips from my grasp as tragically as the tears stream from my silver eyes. I reach for my mask, to save it from the black despair lurking beneath my silt covered feet. But it is too late. Panicking, I drop to my knees drowning the white silk that clings to my body. Throwing my hands into the dark waters, digging through the mud of reality, desperately searching for sanctity. Lost. My fingers scraping, searching, bleeding for a sign. Lost. A wordless plea is cried out into the night. But nothing becomes of it.
The steady drip of my tears slow with the ripples below. A reflection of glittering specks of white light frame the silhouette of a face once familiar. This face is unguarded and vulnerable, forlorn and heavyhearted. She is imperfect and broken. A dark strand of hair hugs her cheek diverting a tear to her lips. I draw near with trembling fingertips attempting to catch the begotten drop. I realize too late that this girl is me.
As my fingers grace the water, a force grips and pulls me beneath the black mirror. A piercing cold enshrouds my body, cutting into my bones, rattling my nerves. I kick and scream, fighting for what doesn't belong to me anymore. Air escapes my lungs, quickly replaced by frigid water. I try to reach for those sparkling lights above me, but just before my fingers touch the night air, the surface becomes a pane of glass. Trapped, I pound against the glass hoping it will break, wishing the air on the other side could once again fill my burning lungs. My limbs start to go numb, my muscles weaken, the stars that I so desperately wanted to touch now fill my head.
That's when I see her on the other side. So beautiful and thin, like a dancer through the night. The moonlight radiates off her effervescent skin, drawing a sharp contrast to the bones that define her. She kneels above me, staring into my soul. We close our eyes; a single tear spills down her cheek as the last breath escapes my frozen lips. Darkness consumes me, until I feel the gentle kiss of the wind upon my neck. Opening my eyes I see my reflection on the other side of the glass; I see perfection. I am free.I know this is really dark and depressing and I apologize for that, but I needed to release some pent up emotions today. As soon as I came home from work, I binged and purged BIG TIME! I felt so defeated afterwards, hell, I've felt nothing but defeat this whole week. I just wish this all would end. But it will never end, this shit doesn't just go away. I haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained either, which is actually pretty damn surprising considering the past week. Aside from the binging and purging, today's intake was pretty good. All I had was my 12 oz. triple soy pumpkin/white mocha (200 calories). Woot. Haven't been to the gym in years, FML. I suck at life. Cheers to all who read this poo. I promise to post more. xoxo
