SUMMER in the 509

Ok so there are about 3 months until summer and I have been the biggest slacker EVER!! Arghhhh! No more! My weight has actually gone up since I've been so depressed (emotional eater here!) and I feel like such a failure. I am wasting my life sitting here like this, a fatass. I live 5 minutes from the gym and right across from a park and I have seldom used my friggin resources. So the snow and all the rain haven't been helping at all, I feel like a hibernating bear, but spring is on it's way and I REFUSE to spend my summer holed up in my apartment. This is 2011 and I am owning this year no matter what!! This year is my bitch. I am going to look damn good in a bikini this year and reach my goal weight. I have to stick to my 500 calorie or less diet and hit the gym at least 5 times a week for an hour. I got this! I'm so sick and tired of hating my body and feeling hopeless. For once in my life I want to look in the mirror and be happy with the girl staring back at me and know that I accomplished something amazing, for ME! Not for everybody else. I want to see my hip bones and a flat stomach; I want to hear people's whispering comments on how thin I've gotten rather than, "She needs to lose some weight." UGH! I just want to be perfect and thin and beautiful, how hard is that to ask for?! I am horribly hungry right now, so I found an ass load of thinspo and started another food journal. Just thought I'd reorganize it and make it more fun. Here's just a few for some motivation:

Epic Fail!

Geeze! I can't believe it's been practically 3 weeks since my last post...whoops! I moved into an apartment with my stepsis (that's been interesting), so because of all the moving, unpacking, organizing, and cleaning I have been pretty much MIA from the world. But I'm back!! These last 3 weeks have been hell. From moving, working, trying to do all the lovely grown up things, my brain started to implode on itself and my commitment to the gym and my diet went flying out the window, not just flying but like turbo jet powered engine, blasted out the damn window. Even though I've been busting my ass off, I feel like the world's biggest slob. And I quickly realized that this blog is probably my biggest motivator, since no one else is around to bust my ass. So YAY! I'm here and I already feel loads better :)

Ok so the world's most notoriously idiotic and stupid holiday is fast approaching and for all of us single, unfortunate souls we shall be celebrating solo (YAY!...NOT!). Ok don't get me wrong I want a boyfriend and someone to love me for me just as much as the next girl. But, and this is a ginormous BUT, I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want a guy to touch my disgusting body and feel the rolls of fat that I subject myself to living with. I don't want a guy to see what I see, and love what I hate. I want a guy to be proud to call me his girlfriend, to be able to put his hands on my body and love what he is touching because there aren't any flaws, no fatty rolls. I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. But what if I can never love me for me, will I be alone forever? My stepsis, who I just moved in with, is 5'8'' and weighs about 250 lbs. and she is the most confident woman I seriously have ever met! And I am 100% baffled by it!! I mean how can she walk around with her head held high weighing what she does? How can she allow her boyfriend to kiss her and hug her and hold her knowing that what he is touching is fat? I just don't get it! I know this sounds horribly mean and down right bitchy, and I love my sister with all my heart, but I'm utterly confused by her behavior and the way she carries herself. I wish I had a quarter of the confidence she has; maybe I would be a different person. I guess what I'm trying to say is it takes a special something to find love in yourself and allow someone else to love you for you, and as much as I would love to find it, I'm not ready. Now that I'm in a different place, maybe I'll have more success this time. Here in my apartment I can do what I want without drawing attention to myself. I think I've rambled enough, cheers to new beginnings and loving ourselves. Gym tomorrow bright and early <3 style="text-align: center;">

Realizations

Today was actually a decent day. I was stuck at the gym for literally 3 hours sweating my ass off. I did the elliptical for an hour, followed by 45 minutes of weights, and then an hour cycling. I felt sick to my stomach when I was finished, but it was so worth it. For once in my life I'm trying to set a reasonable goal for myself, rather than taking this at a sprint and then burning out. My birthday is May 7 and I'm setting that as my goal date to have this bullshit done and over with so I can finally begin my life!

On a different note, let's discuss the bullshit of having friends. Ok so friends are supposed to be this amazing support system that you can go and talk to about anything and everything in total confidence...what a crock of bull! So all of my friends know about my past with bulimia and they know that I'm trying to get "healthy" and skinny; does that stop them from inviting me out to eat all the time? Or constantly hounding me to go out drinking? No & No. Like seriously? Get real. I'm just so frustrated with all my friendships right now, especially when I am nothing but supportive whenever they need me. Oh! And my mom is absolutely ridic (ridiculous in case you didn't know lol). She recently told me how proud she is that whenever I've dieted or whatever it was at the time, that I've always done it healthily. And she knows about my past...like does she not believe me? Ugh. I just can't win!! I just want so badly to prove everybody wrong so I can laugh in their faces and say, "Haha Assholes! Look at me now!!"

Tomorrow is a different day fighting the same battle.