I like that bitter taste bitch.

The worst prison is the one in our own heads. We are constantly skirting around it, keeping a watchful eye out. Hairs prickle with goosebumps from the chill breathing down our spine, daring us to daydream. It's where the danger lies, where our thoughts turn against us. Whispering words of "Fat" "Do it! It's not like it'll make any difference, Piggy" "You're disgusting", they bind the wrists and ankles forcing us to succumb...

Drop to my knees. Bare skin resting on the cold hard surface. It feels good. My hands are gripping the snow white edge, as I stare down into the vast pool below. Relief comes, rescues me from this monotonous hell until the bile burns. My fucking saving grace. I will do better. I will be stronger.

December...bugger off.

We've got forever slipping through our hands. Behind darkness. Trapped. Separated. Lost. Void. So much allure resides in the world, limitless amounts awaiting exposure. Something dark keeps us separated from it, blinding us from the beauty. It infects us. Rots our brains. Distorts what we see. Twists us. We turn against ourselves. We disallow happiness and content, drowning and suffocating it with corrupt words and self-harm. We must be punished for not being enough...

 

Life...is it worth all of this? 

What the fuck am I holding out for? More of this never ending bullshit?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to die. Just end it all.

I wouldn't have to fight so hard, to stop chasing the impossible. 

Just go to sleep...forever. Death would be easy. 

But as hard as shit gets, it's those moments, as seldom as they are, that make everything bearable. Like going to The Nutcracker with my mom, or decorating for Christmas with my sisters, or bullshitting with my friends. They make life okay, even for a little while. Yes, death would be easy, too easy. It's easy to forfeit the battle, but what about the war? This is the here and now, the battle that we are constantly losing, but what counts is the later. The reason I'm still here is I'm not settling for the here and now, I want what comes next because anything has to be better than this.

Two weeks to prep for snowboard season <3

Gym tomorrow after work for a minimum of 2 hours.

Staying under 300 till Saturday.

Thank you all for supporting me

& making me smile

Your heart seems so cold tonight

Wandering between two worlds. Not living, while not quite dead. A heartbeat thrums helplessly inside her chest, I think it's just beating for shits and giggles. These tears, they fall, pleading for something more, begging for significance. But she remains invisible; invisible to those she loves, invisible to those she cares for, invisible. She's standing in the middle of them. She's staring at them with glacier blue eyes, they are melting onto her cheeks, dripping off her chin, falling to the ground. They don't notice her, they don't care enough to notice her. They don't want to know her problems, she knows all theirs. They whisper in her ears, tell her what pains them, what tires their last nerve. But they don't have ears for hers. It's not like they would actually understand. They couldn't possibly.

I want someone to step into my life with enough balls to call my bluff, to tell me enough with the bullshit. Someone needs to care enough to try and stop me, someone who won't pity me. I abhor pity from others. Don't look at me with those sad little sympathetic eyes, judging me, telling me you're sorry. Sorry? What could they possibly be sorry for? I loathe apologies. So they want to apologize? Apologize for never being there for me, apologize for ignoring the signs, apologize for pushing me aside.

I can't keep waiting for someone to care. I need to care enough about myself to fix this mess that I've made. But I don't know if I can. I hate everything that I am; how does one care about someone they hate? Tomorrow is the last day of November and I am going to be happy throughout December and work my tail off and eat healthy. I haven't made shit count from the last 11 months, it's not too late to turn it around for 2011. I have to start somewhere...

I'm planning a trip in late March to get away. I'm thinking Ireland or England? I need to get out of the country and as far away as I can get from everyone I know.